R is for Reflections……

I started this blog on Feb. 10 2010 with the intention to “share with the world my journey on the path to my soul mate.”

It’s been almost three years and I would love to be writing, “I found HIM!!!!!!” But alas that is not the case.

But what I can say is that, “I have found me.” And maybe at the moment that might be a better thing. In actuality it’s more of a better understanding of who I am and the choices that I have made in my relationships and how so many puzzle pieces over the years have interconnected.

A little over a year ago, which would be two years on this conscious path towards love I was very frustrated.

I mean seriously, I had read lots of books, Love Will Find You, by Kathryn Alice, Enchanted Love by Marianne Williamson, Excuse Me Your Soul Mate Is Waiting, by Marla Martenson and Hot Chocolate For the Mystical Lover by Arielle Ford so where in heck was he?!!!

I did goddess ritual to Yemaya, the mother goddess of fertility and love (see post 
http://ivonnemontijo.wordpress.com/2010/02/12/yemaya/
 ), I did vision boards, I meditated–you name it I did it. And nada, zip, zilch, niet……

And finally out of desperation I prayed.  I asked mother/father god to please show me what was the obstacle preventing true love from coming my way?

And I had an aha moment regarding my father, you can read all about the details in this post,
http://ivonnemontijo.wordpress.com/2011/07/23/the-big-aha-clarity-at-last/
 . 

In a nutshell, what happened was that I finally realized that the relationship with my father colored my relationship choices.  Duh, classic psychology but who would have thought, certainly not I because there wasn’t a whole lot that I even liked about my dad. I picked men who treated me like my father because I wanted to win and be the chosen one.  But it never works that way.  You never win that game.

But here’s the kicker.  I really only had half of an aha moment.  My father was a serial cheater.  He cheated on my mother before I was born, during her pregnancy and after I was born throughout their whole marriage.  As a matter of fact my maternal grandfather was a playboy, siring children by five different women all of whom lived in the same small town in Puerto Rico and my paternal grandfather even had a daughter by a mistress.  Men who cheat felt so normal to me.  Or rather what I should say is that the “vibe” of men who cheat is what felt so normal to me.

Is it no wonder then, that my very first love, Jay Scott Berry would also be a cheater?  See post,
http://ivonnemontijo.wordpress.com/2012/06/02/a-long-ago-love/
  in case you have been living under a rock or are a new reader and you have missed all the juicy posts on my love affair with the great, the one and only master magician of the world –[please note the bit of sarcasm].

Jay Scott Berry as most of my readers know is a sociopath with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  I got hooked, addicted to him when I was 18 but the stage was set for this addiction, 30 year love affair in my childhood.

Many women who fall in love with psychopaths have had an abusive childhood, whether psychical, emotional or both.  My father used to hit my mother.  It was a violent marriage.  I grew up immersed in drama.

A good, healthy relationship would have been boring for me.

The book that has helped me put all the pieces of the puzzle into place has been, Women Who Love Psychopaths, by Sandra L. Brown.  Not only does Ms. Brown look at the attributes of the Narc (the sociopath with NPD), but she also explores the personas of the women who have loved these men.  I saw myself in the pages of her book.

Ms. Brown states that these women tend to be extroverted, “are curious and easily bored” (p 107).  Yes, I have to admit most men bore the bejesus out of me.

She says that we are excitement seekers.  That the non psychopathic extroverted woman will be drawn to the extroverted sociopathic man and “become two powerful magnets (p 109).

The golden nugget which set off bells for me is when she writes, “However, by natures of ‘who’ she is attracted to (the traits in him), she will always be fishing in the ‘pathology” pond because psychopaths are mostly dominant, thrill-seeking, extroverted men–exactly who she finds attractive” (p 110).

Well, if the shoe fits I have to wear it.  And yes, she mentions other qualities and attributes of the women as well but suffice to say that is the one that really explained so much for me.  I would like to think that I have solely been a victim of Jay’s pathology but that really isn’t the whole story.

The whole story is a mosaic of elements that just fall in imperfect “perfect” place.  And I would like to think yes, it’s all my Dad‘s fault but that is not the case either.

While my Dad is a serial cheater like most Narc’s are, Narc’s are also emotionally abusive…. see post
http://ivonnemontijo.wordpress.com/2013/01/15/scandal-in-malaysia-part-eight/
 .

The emotionally abusive person is my life would be my mother. Her attitude was, “If you can’t do it right, then don’t do it at all!”

And the right way of doing things has always been and to this day still is the way my mother thinks something should be done.  I learned many years ago that I was never going to please my mother, but that doesn’t mean that is doesn’t bother me, when she tells me that I am fat, or that she hates my job or where I live in Long Beach is the biggest mistake I made, or why am I studying music if it is not going to lead to a job and what was the point of getting my M.A, if I am not teaching somewhere or have a job from it, or that I don’t take good care of my dog” etc..ad infinitum……

So, you see Jay was the worst of my father and the worst of my mother all rolled into one, and throw in some excitement seeking on my part, and thirty years of regret for having told him that I was not going to move in with him along with a pinch of emotional childhood abuse (there was also an incident of incest at the age of five and rape by the same cousin at age 19) and there you have it——the stage was set—-for the greatest gift the universe could ever give me—- a do-over with Jay Scott Berry, the love of my life, the man who held the key to any and all of the reasons as to why any of my relationships have ended mostly in a bad way.

And while many of my friends and who knows, maybe some of my readers may have thought I was merely being obsessed with a crazy man who has no merit of even the time of day from me I was learning.

I was learning about his illness–I was learning what made him tick.  I was learning where the holes and weak spotswere in my heart and in my soul.  I was learning how my brokeness was so attracted to his brokeness.

I am the lucky one because I have learned where I am broken and how I got to be broken.

Here is a brief time line of my brokeness.

Age 2 fall in love with minister’s son and he dies see post
http://ivonnemontijo.wordpress.com/2012/10/01/the-ministers-son
/

Age five-incest by older cousin who is eight years old.

Age eight my father brings home mistress and announces to my younger sister and myself that this is our “new mother”.

Age 16 parents divorce.  My mother takes our dog to the pound where he is gassed to death.

Age 17 baby brother is born–father pretty much abandons my sister and I for his new family.

Age 18 virgin–I meet Jay Scott Berry April 1980-he asks me to move in–I say I’m not ready Sept 1980-he cheats on me and leaves me for another woman.

see post
http://ivonnemontijo.
wordpress.com/2012/09/02/back-to-the-beginning-part-5-the-magician-part-2/

Age 19 Dec 1980–I get raped by the same cousin.

Feb 1981-Meet New boyfriend-

March 1981 Come home to a note–my mother has moved out to go live with her boyfriend and taken my sister to go live with her.  I am left to live with my aunt.

Apirl 1981 —pregnant and having an abortion 3 months later. see post
http://ivonnemontijo.wordpress.com/2010/05/26/pro-life-or-pro-choice%e2%80%a6%e2%80%a6/

A month later my grandmother dies. I will have to post about this some day–and the guilt I had.

Two years later have a second abortion.

Nov 2006- My Baby Topaz dies ( doggie)

Jan 7 2008 My Baby Amber dies (doggie )

Dec 27, 2008 my best friend Manny passed away. see post
http://ivonnemontijo.wordpress.com/2010/08/19/pandoras-box-ode-to-manny-part-two/

About 3 months later I have a miscarriage.

Oct 2012 My best friend Lisa dies see post
http://ivonnemontijo.wordpress.com/2012/10/18/ode-to-lisa/

This is the foundation of my brokeness.  But I am blessed because I have finally put all the pieces into place or at least I think I have.

It seems as if my Pandora’s box has released all the monsters and nightmares that have been lurking unaware in my soul. At least I most certainly hope so!!!

And as much as Jay pisses me off, I pity him because he does not know where his brokeness comes from or that he is even broken so he remains on a path that is bound for self-destruction.

I let go of my broken path and step into healing and wholeness…….and so it is…….

Related articles

• From Soul to Soulmate: Bridges from Near-Death Experience Wisdom by Jody Long (evolutionarymystic.wordpress.com)
• The Narcissist and the Psychopath; aka My Parents (roots2blossom.wordpress.com)
• Lance Armstrong a Narc? : Narcissistic Personality Disorder Forum … (psychforums.com)
• How Does Adultery Make You Feel? (allthosesmallthings.wordpress.com)
• Today’s Lesson: Psychopaths (cryingwolfe.wordpress.com)
• Top 10 Traits of Cheating Spouse (slideshare.net)