Pro-Life or Pro-Choice…Part Four

 

                            This is my embryo that I miscarried………

 

Part Four

For the past 2 ½ years I have been trying to get pregnant.  A single mother by choice I turned to assisted reproductive techniques.

I had two failed insemination and then I tried in vitro.  Any woman who has gone through this will tell you that it is a difficult and arduous process, especially if you are single and without a supportive partner.

January 2009 I had a positive pregnancy test but my beta levels were low.  I was told I had to come back in a couple of days and get retested.  My levels were lowered I was told to stop taking my medication.

 At the age of 48 I had produced three eggs, one of which fertilized and became an embryo.  I saw it on the ultrasound.  That was pretty amazing.  And the embryo attached to the uterus, which is why I got an initial positive test.  But then he stopped growing and I had a miscarriage.  I felt as if I was being punished for having had the abortion and that the baby that was wanted, that I knew I could take care of was taken from me.

My doctor was willing to try again in spite of my age because I had produced an embryo that had attached to the uterus.

I spent eight months doing acupuncture, changing my diet, detoxifying my body of chemicals that are known to cause infertility.  My acupuncturist was so confident that I would get pregnant and so was I or so I thought.

Well in the middle of this process I had started dating Jackson, and started to have doubts if I was doing the right thing. (Well you all know how it turned out with Jackson)

But the doubts had already crept into my mind.  And there is a mind-body connection.  What we think, what we feel produces chemicals and hormones in our body.  That is why they tell women who are stressing over getting pregnant to relax because the stress hormones that are released in the body do not aid in conception.

My doctor had changed the protocol, my mind was not sure and the result was I had produced not one viable egg, so no chance of an embryo.  I was devastated.

Physically everything should have worked.  But what did I miss?  What had I overlooked?  There had to be something, something in the psyche that had made my body say no to a baby.

I started having thoughts like, “maybe my uterus does not think it’s ok to carry a baby because I had the abortion”…… “maybe a little baby soul does not trust me to be it’s mother”.

You can make yourself go crazy trying to figure out why.

I had to find out what was in my subconscious.  What was in my mind that was making my body say no to a baby.

I turned to hypnotherapy….to be continued……

Pro-Life or Pro-Choice……Part Three

 

There was another abortion.  I would like to say that there had only been one but no, there had been a second abortion two or three years later.

I had broken up with the first boyfriend. He had the audacity to tell me that we “almost’ had a baby together. “ Really…did you just say that to me”.  How dare he?!  He did not have the right to say that to me when it was his choice not mine.

Well, boyfriend number two was an alcoholic but I did not know it.  I hadn’t’ known any alcoholics before him.  Breakfast for him was a beer and a joint.

Then the cocaine started.  One night he was so high that he came into the bedroom and started choking me.  I got away from him…grabbed my car keys and barefoot in my flannel pajamas drove to my mother’s home at 3:00 o’clock in the morning.  That was it I was done. 

Shortly after that I found out that I was pregnant.  There was no way I could have a baby with a man who was an alcoholic and addicted to drugs.   This was not what I had envisioned for the father of my child.

This abortion was done in the doctor’s office on a local anesthetic , which meant I felt it.  I felt the baby being ripped out of my body.

It haunts me to this day…….  to be continued……