Fifty and Fabulous…….

Last week I celebrated my 50 th Birthday by having a Pirate Costume Party.

In my last post I wrote that by my 50th Birthday I wanted to be fabulous.  Fabulous meaning that I would lose the excess weight and buddha belly and that I would be one hot momma !!!!!!

That’s what I did for my 40th Birthday and I looked hot.

Actually I have been a hottie all of my life but I just did not know it at the time.

It has taken getting older and seeing pictures of myself as I looked a long time ago to realize that what I was feeling on the inside did not match what people were seeing on the outside.

So I lived my life and made my choices as the ugly girl, the unwanted girl because that is what I felt like on the inside.  I did not get by on looks, after all I did not realize I had any.  I developed my brains and my personality.

As I have gotten older and matured I realized I was attractive, somewhere in my 30′s and I would get bored if men told me I was beautiful because I felt like the only stopped at the window dressing and did not go beyond what they were seeing to really “see” me.

The funny thing is that I really did not see myself either.

And 50 is such a big fat number.  I have now jumped into another age group category when filling out forms (sacry…so scary…).

I am struggling with the perceptions I had of women who were 50 when I was young as compared to how I feel about myself.

I am still single and would love to be with my soul mate (Jesus, Lord where in hell is he btw?) so I can not fall into the “well I’m 50 now and old”.

I am fighting that, in my mind at least….

Yes, I am 50. 

Yes, I color my hair to hide the gray (so not ready for that yet). 

Although I do look good in really white hair, you know that silver white but what I have is not that, at least not yet.

And yes, I am about 15-20 lbs over weight….but guess what?

Fifty and Fabulous is not about my physical state and what my outsides look like.

Fifty and Fabulous is an internal state of mind.

So my outside still does not match the inside of me but what I do know is that even though I am 50, even though I have gray that I hide, even though I am a little (cough–cough) over-weight I am FABULOUS.

I am still a hottie because being a hottie is more a state of mind than a physical state.

Now, don’t get me wrong I am still plan to on work outside.  The goal is to ultimately have the balance between mind-body-spirt.

So, to all the ladies out there 50+…keep on being fabulous…

And to all the young ladies minus 50 know that you are already fabulous just as you are and please don’t wait until you are 50 to embrace that.

Balance….

 

                                

As my readers know balance is not exactly a part of the vocabulary of my life.

The men that have been in my life have not been in balance with who I really am.

Mentally, I am way out of balance.

Physically, I am out of balance as well.

I eat dark chocolate to balance to my broken,mended, taped up, stapled up heart.

I take little blue pills to balance the nuero-circuits in my brain.

And I take another pill which is supposed to balance out my thyroid.

All of these external attempts at balance which really only address symptoms and not causes.

My goal for the summer is to be in balance, holistically and spiritually.

It is only when we are in balance body-mind-spirit, that we can truly express our divine self on the planet.

It is then when we can fulfill our divine purpose.

There is much to be done to get human self in alignment with my higher spiritual self.  It is a path upon which I have embarked upon many times and it is a path upon which I have stumbled many times.

So, here I go again attempting to embrace a higher life, which at the end of it will hopefully serve some greater purpose besides myself………

…little blue pills…again

Back in October I decided to stop taking my little blue pills.

I had gotten a notice that the rent on my workshop space was going up by $300.00 and I needed to make cuts in my budget.

Well, I didn’t need those little blue pills, at least that is what I thought.  They cost $30.00 a month, since I don’t have health insurance.

Besides I did not want to rely on them for the rest of my life, after all, they were supposed to be a temporary fix..and I felt better.

So, where am I six months later?

I have been on the ledge of a dark precipace..staring into the darkness…clinging to my sanity..telling myself not to go there…but I slipped and into the rabbit hole I fell…..

…and darkness…despair….fear..anxiety…..embraced me..like a warm blanket in the cold…..

I failed…….so back to the blue pills we go…

there is a part of me that is fighting to be alive…that so desperately wants to experience joy..love…a life well lived…..but she has to be bigger than the darkness and sadness……and I don’t know how to do that without those little blue pills, that I have come to hate because it means that there is something so wrong with me……that death is often times more appealing to me than life…..