Pro-Life or Pro-Choice…Part Four

 

                            This is my embryo that I miscarried………

 

Part Four

For the past 2 ½ years I have been trying to get pregnant.  A single mother by choice I turned to assisted reproductive techniques.

I had two failed insemination and then I tried in vitro.  Any woman who has gone through this will tell you that it is a difficult and arduous process, especially if you are single and without a supportive partner.

January 2009 I had a positive pregnancy test but my beta levels were low.  I was told I had to come back in a couple of days and get retested.  My levels were lowered I was told to stop taking my medication.

 At the age of 48 I had produced three eggs, one of which fertilized and became an embryo.  I saw it on the ultrasound.  That was pretty amazing.  And the embryo attached to the uterus, which is why I got an initial positive test.  But then he stopped growing and I had a miscarriage.  I felt as if I was being punished for having had the abortion and that the baby that was wanted, that I knew I could take care of was taken from me.

My doctor was willing to try again in spite of my age because I had produced an embryo that had attached to the uterus.

I spent eight months doing acupuncture, changing my diet, detoxifying my body of chemicals that are known to cause infertility.  My acupuncturist was so confident that I would get pregnant and so was I or so I thought.

Well in the middle of this process I had started dating Jackson, and started to have doubts if I was doing the right thing. (Well you all know how it turned out with Jackson)

But the doubts had already crept into my mind.  And there is a mind-body connection.  What we think, what we feel produces chemicals and hormones in our body.  That is why they tell women who are stressing over getting pregnant to relax because the stress hormones that are released in the body do not aid in conception.

My doctor had changed the protocol, my mind was not sure and the result was I had produced not one viable egg, so no chance of an embryo.  I was devastated.

Physically everything should have worked.  But what did I miss?  What had I overlooked?  There had to be something, something in the psyche that had made my body say no to a baby.

I started having thoughts like, “maybe my uterus does not think it’s ok to carry a baby because I had the abortion”…… “maybe a little baby soul does not trust me to be it’s mother”.

You can make yourself go crazy trying to figure out why.

I had to find out what was in my subconscious.  What was in my mind that was making my body say no to a baby.

I turned to hypnotherapy….to be continued……

Pro-Life or Pro-Choice….Part Two

 

PART  TWO

Women were having abortions left and right that day.  One woman was on her 7^th–abortion is not a form of birth control.  It felt like I was being part of a meat market that day.  There was no physical pain because I was put under….but the emotional scars I carry with me to this day.

I remember going to a restaurant with my then boyfriend and there was a baby in a high chair…I started crying I could not control myself.  For a long time every time I saw a baby or a pregnant woman I would start to cry. 

When my first nephew was born I went t the hospital but after my sister went home with her baby I could not bring myself to visit her.  I avoided her for at least a month.  This is the same sister who called me a murderer when I had my abortion. 

My mother of course, was upset that I had not seen my sister or nephew since the birth.  I just couldn’t.  I could not face her or the baby. But the day came when I could not avoid it any longer.  I told her that I was sorry that I had not been around and she said, “I know”.  She understood why I could not come around.  I did not think it was fair.  Why did she get to have her baby when I couldn’t?  This was my reasoning at the time, however illogical it may have been.

My child would have been twenty-eight years old.  It is hard to imagine being the mother of a twenty-eight year old or a twenty-six year old right now…..to be continued