I learned a new idiom the other night, or rather I should say in the early morning hours.
Vampire time, where our weaknesses rise up to tempt us and seduce us.
I did something really stupid at 2:00 AM. I sent a text message to Jackson. Like I said it was a stupid thing to do, but there may be a good lesson in it for me.
This is the message I sent him:
Ivonne: It is in these late hours that temptation besieges me…”.
The rest of the conversation transpired as follows:
Ivonne: ” it is also when my soul opens and I write my best….”
Jackson:”How humble! You are like Jesus”.
Ivonne:”no I don’t walk on water”.
Ivonne:”"yeah, why would you respond yikes…that was kinda rude”.
Jackson:”Guys don’t have common sense. Lo siento”.
Ivonne:” and you certainly know how to kill a mood”.
Jackson:” Was supposed to be funny but only I laughed”.
Ivonne:” apparently..why r u doing up at his hour?”.
Jackson:” Reading and you?”
Ivonne:” besides being a little horny…”.
Ivonne:” doing paperwork…”.
Jackson:” A little?”
Ivonne:” ok a lot f____ing horny”.
Jackson: ” well where are your other mid-20′s guys?”
Ivonne: lol..I don’t sleep around..no other men young or old”
Ivonne:” and I don’t waste time with 20 something’s..u were the exception”.
Jackson:’ I am honored”.
Ivonne:”but still wasted my time with u”
Ivonne:’oh god..is that all you can say”.
Jackson:” Someone is touchy tonight”.
Ivonne:” right,it’s called being horny and no outlet…duh”
Ivonne: good night..sorry if I bothered u”
Jackson:” Sorry I am useless”.
Ivonne:’ why do u say u r useless”.
Jackson:”I can’t assist you”.
Ivonne:”wasn’t expecting you to”.
Ivonne:” not teasing but I understand that you have a girlfriend…there was a time you would flirt back…”.
Jackson:” Plus ‘hit and runs’ are bad emotionally”
Ivonne:” not sure what hits and run r”.
Jackson: “sex and nada mas”.
Ivonne:”shouldn’t you have considered that b4 u had sex with me?”
…there was no response after that.
The next morning I sent the following text;
Ivonne: ” btw, last night was not about sex…it was about intimacy and desiring to connect on a soul level”.
Jackson did not respond to that either.
Like I said when I started it was a stupid thing to do.
I was not horny, not even close. I was exhausted and tired from a long working weekend. I was not horny. I was missing him, but it was easier to say that I was horny because to admit that I still cared I could not do.
It wasn’t about the sex. It was about him….but I felt dirty..violated …when he said “hit and runs”.
This very ugly realization occurred to me, “Is that all I was?”
a hit and run..so he never cared about me..never saw me as a person?
So, all he saw was an older women who he assumed slept around because he was younger..wow I was stunned…..that really hurt.
I’m done. I have never felt so bad in any relationship as I do now. Not even the ex-husband or the ex-boyfriend before Jackson made me feel this bad.
Three psychics have told me that he would come back, but now I just don’t know. I don’t know if I would want him back. I know I deserve so much better than this.
So, I think that was the blessing for me. I think I can finally let go and open my heart to someone who is going to love me, mind, body, heart and soul, as i want to love them.
Growing up hurts……..