R is for Reflections……

I started this blog on Feb. 10 2010 with the intention to “share with the world my journey on the path to my soul mate.”

It’s been almost three years and I would love to be writing, “I found HIM!!!!!!” But alas that is not the case.

But what I can say is that, “I have found me.” And maybe at the moment that might be a better thing. In actuality it’s more of a better understanding of who I am and the choices that I have made in my relationships and how so many puzzle pieces over the years have interconnected.

A little over a year ago, which would be two years on this conscious path towards love I was very frustrated.

I mean seriously, I had read lots of books, Love Will Find You, by Kathryn Alice, Enchanted Love by Marianne Williamson, Excuse Me Your Soul Mate Is Waiting, by Marla Martenson and Hot Chocolate For the Mystical Lover by Arielle Ford so where in heck was he?!!!

I did goddess ritual to Yemaya, the mother goddess of fertility and love (see post  http://ivonnemontijo.wordpress.com/2010/02/12/yemaya/ ), I did vision boards, I meditated–you name it I did it. And nada, zip, zilch, niet……

And finally out of desperation I prayed.  I asked mother/father god to please show me what was the obstacle preventing true love from coming my way?

And I had an aha moment regarding my father, you can read all about the details in this post, http://ivonnemontijo.wordpress.com/2011/07/23/the-big-aha-clarity-at-last/ . 

In a nutshell, what happened was that I finally realized that the relationship with my father colored my relationship choices.  Duh, classic psychology but who would have thought, certainly not I because there wasn’t a whole lot that I even liked about my dad. I picked men who treated me like my father because I wanted to win and be the chosen one.  But it never works that way.  You never win that game.

But here’s the kicker.  I really only had half of an aha moment.  My father was a serial cheater.  He cheated on my mother before I was born, during her pregnancy and after I was born throughout their whole marriage.  As a matter of fact my maternal grandfather was a playboy, siring children by five different women all of whom lived in the same small town in Puerto Rico and my paternal grandfather even had a daughter by a mistress.  Men who cheat felt so normal to me.  Or rather what I should say is that the “vibe” of men who cheat is what felt so normal to me.

Is it no wonder then, that my very first love, Jay Scott Berry would also be a cheater?  See post, http://ivonnemontijo.wordpress.com/2012/06/02/a-long-ago-love/  in case you have been living under a rock or are a new reader and you have missed all the juicy posts on my love affair with the great, the one and only master magician of the world –[please note the bit of sarcasm].

Jay Scott Berry as most of my readers know is a sociopath with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  I got hooked, addicted to him when I was 18 but the stage was set for this addiction, 30 year love affair in my childhood.

Many women who fall in love with psychopaths have had an abusive childhood, whether psychical, emotional or both.  My father used to hit my mother.  It was a violent marriage.  I grew up immersed in drama.

A good, healthy relationship would have been boring for me.

The book that has helped me put all the pieces of the puzzle into place has been, Women Who Love Psychopaths, by Sandra L. Brown.  Not only does Ms. Brown look at the attributes of the Narc (the sociopath with NPD), but she also explores the personas of the women who have loved these men.  I saw myself in the pages of her book.

Ms. Brown states that these women tend to be extroverted, “are curious and easily bored” (p 107).  Yes, I have to admit most men bore the bejesus out of me.

She says that we are excitement seekers.  That the non psychopathic extroverted woman will be drawn to the extroverted sociopathic man and “become two powerful magnets (p 109).

The golden nugget which set off bells for me is when she writes, “However, by natures of ‘who’ she is attracted to (the traits in him), she will always be fishing in the ‘pathology” pond because psychopaths are mostly dominant, thrill-seeking, extroverted men–exactly who she finds attractive” (p 110).

Well, if the shoe fits I have to wear it.  And yes, she mentions other qualities and attributes of the women as well but suffice to say that is the one that really explained so much for me.  I would like to think that I have solely been a victim of Jay’s pathology but that really isn’t the whole story.

The whole story is a mosaic of elements that just fall in imperfect “perfect” place.  And I would like to think yes, it’s all my Dad‘s fault but that is not the case either.

While my Dad is a serial cheater like most Narc’s are, Narc’s are also emotionally abusive…. see post http://ivonnemontijo.wordpress.com/2013/01/15/scandal-in-malaysia-part-eight/ .

The emotionally abusive person is my life would be my mother. Her attitude was, “If you can’t do it right, then don’t do it at all!”

And the right way of doing things has always been and to this day still is the way my mother thinks something should be done.  I learned many years ago that I was never going to please my mother, but that doesn’t mean that is doesn’t bother me, when she tells me that I am fat, or that she hates my job or where I live in Long Beach is the biggest mistake I made, or why am I studying music if it is not going to lead to a job and what was the point of getting my M.A, if I am not teaching somewhere or have a job from it, or that I don’t take good care of my dog” etc..ad infinitum……

So, you see Jay was the worst of my father and the worst of my mother all rolled into one, and throw in some excitement seeking on my part, and thirty years of regret for having told him that I was not going to move in with him along with a pinch of emotional childhood abuse (there was also an incident of incest at the age of five and rape by the same cousin at age 19) and there you have it——the stage was set—-for the greatest gift the universe could ever give me—- a do-over with Jay Scott Berry, the love of my life, the man who held the key to any and all of the reasons as to why any of my relationships have ended mostly in a bad way.

And while many of my friends and who knows, maybe some of my readers may have thought I was merely being obsessed with a crazy man who has no merit of even the time of day from me I was learning.

I was learning about his illness–I was learning what made him tick.  I was learning where the holes and weak spotswere in my heart and in my soul.  I was learning how my brokeness was so attracted to his brokeness.

I am the lucky one because I have learned where I am broken and how I got to be broken.

Here is a brief time line of my brokeness.

Age 2 fall in love with minister’s son and he dies see post http://ivonnemontijo.wordpress.com/2012/10/01/the-ministers-son/

Age five-incest by older cousin who is eight years old.

Age eight my father brings home mistress and announces to my younger sister and myself that this is our “new mother”.

Age 16 parents divorce.  My mother takes our dog to the pound where he is gassed to death.

Age 17 baby brother is born–father pretty much abandons my sister and I for his new family.

Age 18 virgin–I meet Jay Scott Berry April 1980-he asks me to move in–I say I’m not ready Sept 1980-he cheats on me and leaves me for another woman.

see post http://ivonnemontijo.wordpress.com/2012/09/02/back-to-the-beginning-part-5-the-magician-part-2/

Age 19 Dec 1980–I get raped by the same cousin.

Feb 1981-Meet New boyfriend-

March 1981 Come home to a note–my mother has moved out to go live with her boyfriend and taken my sister to go live with her.  I am left to live with my aunt.

Apirl 1981 —pregnant and having an abortion 3 months later. see post http://ivonnemontijo.wordpress.com/2010/05/26/pro-life-or-pro-choice%e2%80%a6%e2%80%a6/

A month later my grandmother dies. I will have to post about this some day–and the guilt I had.

Two years later have a second abortion.

Nov 2006- My Baby Topaz dies ( doggie)

Jan 7 2008 My Baby Amber dies (doggie )

Dec 27, 2008 my best friend Manny passed away. see post http://ivonnemontijo.wordpress.com/2010/08/19/pandoras-box-ode-to-manny-part-two/

About 3 months later I have a miscarriage.

Oct 2012 My best friend Lisa dies see post http://ivonnemontijo.wordpress.com/2012/10/18/ode-to-lisa/

This is the foundation of my brokeness.  But I am blessed because I have finally put all the pieces into place or at least I think I have.

It seems as if my Pandora’s box has released all the monsters and nightmares that have been lurking unaware in my soul. At least I most certainly hope so!!!

And as much as Jay pisses me off, I pity him because he does not know where his brokeness comes from or that he is even broken so he remains on a path that is bound for self-destruction.

I let go of my broken path and step into healing and wholeness…….and so it is…….

Related articles

• From Soul to Soulmate: Bridges from Near-Death Experience Wisdom by Jody Long (evolutionarymystic.wordpress.com)
• The Narcissist and the Psychopath; aka My Parents (roots2blossom.wordpress.com)
• Lance Armstrong a Narc? : Narcissistic Personality Disorder Forum … (psychforums.com)
• How Does Adultery Make You Feel? (allthosesmallthings.wordpress.com)
• Today’s Lesson: Psychopaths (cryingwolfe.wordpress.com)
• Top 10 Traits of Cheating Spouse (slideshare.net)

The Face of Narcissism……

How does one go from being an innocent child like this……

to someone with Narcissistic Personality disorder like this?

There are two theories circulating in the world of psychology as to how a pathological narcissism develops.   The first theory is that a child is overindulged, told that he can do no wrong.  The child grows up with a false sense of who he is.  The real self is not good enough and thus the mask must be maintained.

The second theory postulates that pathology develops as a result of extreme childhood abuse.

The mayo clinic asserts that “The cause may be linked to a dysfunctional childhood, such as excessive pampering, extremely high expectations, abuse or neglect. It’s also possible that genetics or psychobiology — the connection between the brain and behavior and thinking — plays a role in the development of narcissistic personality disorder.”      http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/narcissistic-personality-disorder/DS00652/DSECTION=causes

Sam Vaknin,Ph.D author of Malignant Self Love, Narcissism Revisited, postulates that what is needed is a comprehensive definition of abuse,

 ”Overweening, smothering, spoiling, overvaluing, and idolizing the child are also forms of parental abuse. This is because, as Horney pointed out, the smothered and spoiled child is dehumanized and instrumentalized.  His parents love him not  for what he really is but for what they wish and imagine him to be: the fulfilment  of their dreams and frustrated wishes.”

Vaknin, Sam (2007-10-20). Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited – The Essay (Kindle Locations 1219-1225). Narcissus Publications. Kindle Edition.

Sandra L. Brown in her book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, also examines the role of neuroscience in pathology.  She states that the region of the brain called the corpus callosum is “23% larger and 7 % longer” in the brain of the psychopath. (p 65)

                   “…The scariest outcomes related to the increased size of the corpus  callosum is   that it produces less remorse, fewer emotions, less emotional reactions and less social connectedness–also classic hallmarks of a psychopath, according to Raine.” (p 66)

Whatever the path that may lead to malignant narcissism the outward result is the same.

Symptoms of this disorder, as defined by the DSM-IV-TR include^[1]:

• 1-Reacting to criticism with anger, shame, or humiliation
• 2-Taking advantage of others to reach their own goals
• 3-Exaggerating their own importance, achievements, and talents
• 4-Imagining unrealistic fantasies of success, beauty, power, intelligence, or romance
• 5-Requiring constant attention and positive reinforcement from others
• 6-Becoming jealous easily
• 7-Lacking empathy and disregarding the feelings of others
• 8-Being obsessed with oneself
• 9-Pursuing mainly selfish goals
• 10-Trouble keeping healthy relationships
• 11-Becoming easily hurt and rejected
• 12-Setting goals that are unrealistic
• 13-Wanting “the best” of everything
• 14-Appearing unemotional

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder

How does Jay Scott Berry fit the profile of NPD?

1- Reacting to criticism with anger, shame, or humiliation.

Jay is known amongst magicians to throw temper tantrums when he doesn’t get his way.  I personally witnessed the beginnings of his rage in Malaysia. According to Mayr, he would punch walls, light bulbs, glass in picture frames etc. [Mayr's note: ...when I was at my most vulnerable, both of us were  intoxicated he hit me ... and then he later confessed that he remembered hitting me. He made a few more attempts to hit and push me ...it  wasn't just once.]

2- Taking advantage of others to reach their own goals.

Jay stole   borrowed a toppit design from another magician and then called it his own new design to sell.  He also went behind the back of another magician to borrow a design for a floating table without the consent of the original creator. [ Mayrs Note:   This classic effect was modernized for the current market by one of his best friends (another professional magician) whose home we were staying at during the time, while they toured Europe. In fact, his best friend said, “Go ahead and try it out see how it feels.” while we were house sitting for them. These friends opened their home to us and gave him access to secrets of their trade. Berry repaid his friend by taking the idea of the Toppit effect, and rather than working with his friend to help him market and sell it, Berry went behind his friend’s back and created his own version and put it out on the market! This is only one example of many in how Berry operates.]

3-  Exaggerating their own importance, achievements, and talents—-where do we even start with this one?!!!!—Hmnn Let’s see taken from his about page on Facebook—

About

Recognized as one of the World’s Finest Magicians. His Signature Performances are often called “The closest thing to Real Magic that you will ever see!”. His Relentless Pursuit of Excellence has earned him a seat alongside the All-Time Greats of the Art.

Biography

Jay Scott Berry Is recognized as one of the World’s Finest Magicians. He is an undisputed Master of The Toppit, the Thumb Tip, the Finger Shell, The Ring and Ribbon, Dry Ice Magic, Silk Magic and much more. His signature Close-up and Stage performances are regularly called “The closest to Real Magic that you will ever see!”. His relentless pursuit of Excellence in the Art has earned him a seat alongside the All-Time Greats.

Recognized by whom? So let me guess prior to my blog posts have any of you heard of Jay Scott Berry?  Exactly that’s my point.

He hires a publicist in 2012.  He tells her that he is touring Europe doing musical concerts.  She sends out press releases on a weekly basis based on the information that JSB gave her.  The truth of the matter is that he was touring Europe doing magic lectures and at the end of the lectures he would sing  a few songs.  Please reference you tub video, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rds1X7pBa70 ,

“After his magic lecture, Jay Scott Berry show us his other love…music & singing…”

You can not create a music career based on false publicity.

Right now on his Facebook page he has written,

Jay Scott Berry

6 hours ago

Has landed in LA on a gorgeous winter day – Here’s looking across the city skyline from my office moments ago. Staying in the Hills, near Yamashiro’s, just above The Magic Castle. It’s great to have you all along as virtual passengers on this tour Cheers!

Jay has said to me that he hates working the Castle because he gets paid so little and has to do 3 shows a day.  The last time he performed there was 14 years ago.  I know because I was there with my then husband.

Okay so here is the truth of that matter–to our knowledge Jay has no office in Hollywood.  He is staying at a mutual friends tiny, one bedroom bungalow that has a stripper pole in the middle of the small living room and he is staying there for free due to our friends generosity.  Oh and as  a reminder he is traveling with the airline ticket refunds that were paid for by Amir from the Malaysia incident.

He is calling his New Tour, the Terra Maya Tour.

He always puts in his publicity direct from Las Vegas–Jay has never performed in any large venue in Vegas.  He has performed at Jeff McBride’s Wounderground and no disrespect to Jeff McBride intended at all but the Wounderground is a once a month show, at a restaurant.  McBride’s Wonderground has since moved to once  monthly appearances every third Thursday, at the Olive, on E. Sunset in Las Vegas. And this is not on the strip or even close–it’s not in a good neighborhood. None of the performers get paid–they merely pass a hat around to the audience at the end of the show and whatever is collected gets split among the variety performers for that evening.

This is Jay’s claim to Las Vegas fame?

4- Imagining unrealistic fantasies of success, beauty, power, intelligence, or romance.

See number three above–Right before the trip to Malaysia Jay announced to myself, his publicist and his radio promotion guy that the next project he wanted to focus on was getting a Grammy nomination……..what?!!!….seriously?!!!!

Yes, he was dead serious.  Here is a man whose complained that he had only sold two c.d’s ( I bought one of them because when he asked me to work with him as his manager on music I wanted to have an idea of what I was getting involved with) and wants to get a Grammy nomination.  Not only that be he wants to record, Long Away, Far Away (remember the song he wrote about our romance as teenagers 30 years ago) with Celine Dion.

Again, I will tell you that he was dead serious about all of this.

He told his publicists that he wanted to focus on marketing him as a sexy romantic man.  SIGH……ok I saw the young man of 30 years ago when I made love to him in the dark–but what I fantasized and what the general public would buy were two different things.

He told me that he wanted me to get him sponsorship with Levi Jeans–my blunt response–, “What?..your ass is too skinny–have you seen models for jeans adds?  I like your skinny ass but I don’t think it would work for jeans.”  Truthfully I don’t think he even responded to that one–but it most likely put another nail in the coffin of our relationship because that would have been a criticism.

And that brings us to 5- the need for constant adoration.  Yes, I can be adoring if my needs are getting met.  But I am also in your face truthful.

That combination is like gasoline and a spark–explosive when involved with a narcissist.

Also refer back to Mayr’s Story, http://ivonnemontijo.wordpress.com/2013/01/18/the-first-wifes-club-mayrs-story-part-two/ when the baby was born and she had to be a mommy and did not have the same amount of time for Jay is when he started his search for the next, Stepford Wife,  http://ivonnemontijo.wordpress.com/2013/01/16/the-stepford-wives/  .

6- Jealousy- narcs don’t get jealous like normal people.  It’s more about getting pissed off and angry at anything that can take the attention off of them.

7-Lacking empathy and disregarding the feelings of others–Uhm..just go back and read all the post regarding Jay Scott Berry

8- Being obsessed with oneself—Refer to #7

9- Pursuing mainly selfish goals—-  Refer to #7

10- Trouble keeping healthy relationships—-serial cheater–seriously, refer to #7 but just to elaborate here is Jay’s relationship timeline—

His high school girl friend, Diane leaves him for another man–and apparently broke his heart–oh that explains a lot. Diane is currently friends with JSB on face book and apparently buys into all his propaganda.  Actually she is a source of narcissitic supply for him.

30 years ago cheats on Ivonne with Belle—

cheats on Belle with Caroline, Joyce and Mayr,

cheats on Mayr with Japanese translator, Darla and Lisa his current wife,

cheats on Lisa with a female magician in New York (don’t have her name),

cheats on Lisa with Ivonne (yes, that would be moi–but you all know that by know) and if my women’s intuition is correct also recently had an affair with Mori when he was booked in New Caledonia, this past August 2012—-need I say more?!!!

cheats on Lisa with a 20 something year old as of Oct 2012.

11- Becoming easily hurt and rejected–Narcs play the victim. Jay is no different.  He had told me that Mayr was crazy and has a really bad temper–

I’m thinking you’re still alive her temper can’t be that bad because I would have killed his skinny ass if I had been married to him for 12 years.

He told me that Belle destroyed his promotional materials–the truth is she took them and told him he could buy them back–they were in business together (sound familiar?)He cheated on her–what the hell did he expect?

Mayr ripped his baby daughter out of his hands (hmnn I never really did buy this story).  The truth was that he went to live in Scotland with Lisa, his new girlfriend and then moved to Australia with her.

Nobody ripped his baby out of his hands–he abandoned her and moved to the opposite end of the Earth to be with his new girlfriend.

12-Setting goals that are unrealistic–see #4 wanting to get a Grammy.

13- Wanting “the best” of everything–Yes, Jay had the best of everything.  Jay lives on a 100 acre ranch in Australia–He writes about it on Facebook–he takes pictures of the views. This was one of the reasons I thought he had been successful in magic, but I was wrong.  Jay does not own the property at all.

Nope, he and his current wife Lisa rent the property from the Australian Crown.  Don’t ask me how I know that–but I can be a really good detective

The narcissist rarely accumulates wealth, property, assets, or possessions.

Vaknin, Sam (2007-10-20). Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited – The Essay (Kindle Locations 2585-2586). Narcissus Publications. Kindle Edition.

14-Appearing unemotional—-This statement really needs to say–has no real emotions. Sandra L Brown states that:

“Portions of their emotional spectrum are deficient of emotions they cannot experience or have a reduced capacity to feel (such as empathy, conscience, remorse, fear, sadness and disgust).”  (p 63)

The narcissist is not capable of really loving anyone.  What they are capable of is mimicking and parroting human emotions to suit whatever the current agenda is at the moment.

To conclude, “the narcissist cannot form a stable marital relationship, or reasonably devote himself to his family, or maintain an ongoing business, or reside in one place for long, or dedicate himself to a single profession or to one career, or complete his academic studies, [ Ivonne's note Jay is a High School drop-out.] or accumulate material wealth.”

Vaknin, Sam (2007-10-20). Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited – The Essay (Kindle Locations 1958-1960). Narcissus Publications. Kindle Edition.

“He projects to others a confabulated, fictitious version of himself, known as the False Self. The False Self is everything the narcissist is not: omniscient, omnipotent, charming, intelligent, rich, or well-connected. The narcissist then proceeds to harvest reactions to this projected image from family members, friends, co-workers, neighbours, business partners and social milieu, or from colleagues. If these – the adulation, admiration, attention, fear, respect, applause, affirmation – are not forthcoming, the narcissist demands them, or extorts them. Money, compliments, a favourable critique, an appearance in the media, a sexual encounter are all transformed into the same currency in the narcissist’s mind. This currency is what I call Narcissistic Supply (NS).”

Vaknin, Sam (2007-10-20). Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited – The Essay (Kindle Locations 2878-2887). Narcissus Publications. Kindle Edition.

http://www.amazon.com/Women-Who-Love-Psychopaths-Relationships/dp/0984172807/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1358669920&sr=8-1&keywords=sandra+l+brown

Related articles

• Scandal in Malaysia…..Part Six (ivonnemontijo.wordpress.com)
• Narcissists, psychopaths, and other bad guys (psychologytoday.com)
• Malignant Narcissism (thesquirrelsnestblog.wordpress.com)