Broken hearts………

No one, not one being has the capacity to break your heart.

We get ouches along the way but no one really can break your heart.

It is a choice that we make.  We can choose to believe that someone “hurt” us, that this other person  is the cause of our bad feelings.

That is a choice no doubt about it and some people might say it could even be justified.

Or you can make the choice to know that the heart can not dictate who it loves or does not love.  And if someone chose somebody else over you they were merely following the dictates of their heart in that given space-time.

The heart can only be broken if you have lost the capacity to love another being…..as long as you have the ability to love, as a verb, then your heart was never broken….maybe a little bruised but with time bruises do fade…..

Happy Heart Day !!!!!!

Feb 14th seems to be a day that has come to be filled with dread (mostly it seems by men), anticipation and expectations (mostly woman), and a sense of being excluded (mostly single women).

Valentine’s Day although has been construed as a creation of the marketing media of ages past is really a oppurtunity that we all seem to by forgetting.

It is not a day to dread, or have unearthly expectations nor is it a day to feel forgotten and excluded if you are not partnered up.

What it can be, maybe should be, is a day to remind us that if we have been forgetful throughout the year to express love and caring Feb. 14th serves as a reminder that we as a society have a day in which we can make up for some of the forgetfulness that we may have committed throughout the year.

Men complain that Valentine’s Day takes away the opportunity for them to be spontaneous.  Hmnn really? What I say to all of those men out there is, “how many opportunities have you taken throughout the year to express love and affection in a romantic, galant way?”

Yeah, I thought so. So, instead of complaining about Feb. 14th, why not say, “Gee aren’t I lucky that I get a social reminder to express my love!”

I have taken quite a few seminars on how women should understand how men feel about Val’s Day and we should lower our expectations.  Hmnn , what I say to that is, men why don’t you get it that if a woman has to remind you that her birthday, anniversary or another special date is coming up..you don’t get as many points and we don’t appreciate it as much if we had to remind you.

But the creator goddess is so wonderful that she created a holiday, albeit with enough commercialism that unless you lived in a cave somewhere you would not forget it was Val’s  Day.

How wonderful, a special day in which to show you care without the women having to remind you.

You see the funny thing about Val’s Day is that we should not save our displays of love and affection for just one day.  Whether you are in a relationship or not Val’s Day should be every day of your life.

The one consistent message which the great sages and avatars have always brought to humanity is to love one another.

Love should be expressed every day in many ways to all those we come into daily contact with.

Not only should we be expressing love to those around us, we should be expressing love for our very self.

So rather than hating on Valentine’s Day due to its commercialism and seemingly forced affections take it to be a reminder that the greatest message given to humanity has been “to love one another as yourself”.

So, go out and buy yourself one of those chocolate hearts and a happy heart day!!! 

…. ¡OH NO !, he DIDN’T (snap …snap…)

..oh yes, he did….

oh yeah, I got a text message today from Jackson, you remember him?, “Hit & Run” guy….

this conversation was much shorter and went something like this…..

Jackson: Are you by chance on Campus?

Ivonne: not yet my class is at 7…why what do you want now….(I’m still a bit p’d over the hit and run thing)

Jackson: Nada. Lo Siento (translation: nothing I’m sorry).

Oh no, you do not get to do that to me.

You don’t get to text me and then NOT tell me why you called.

So I called him and I asked him, what do you want?

And he gets all defensive on me.  I, of course point out, that the only time he ever calls is when HE wants something and that is not very friendly…

¿ Are you aware of this? , I say to him.  Jackson is still defensive says something like, point taken or some such thing.

¿What did he want you ask?…he wanted to know if I could pick up his thesis at the school library.

Ok, so here’s the thing…Campus is in Long Beach…I live in Long Beach…Jackson lives and hour away.

Either way he still has to drive to Long Beach to pick it up.

Does that even make any sense?

I’m open to input.

..a good ole country song…

 

in this moment, in this instant, my heart cries out for a good ole country song…..

nothing quite expresses the angst you are feeling like a good ole country song..

Pastsy Cline—” Crazy..crazy for feeling so blue…”

Pasty Cline—-”I’ve got your picture…she’s got you…”

Tammy Wynette—–”…stand by your man and show the world you love him…..if you love him you’ll forgive him….”

Reba McEntire—” the world didn’t wait for my broken heart…”

Barbra Mandrell—”…if loving you is wrong, then I don’t want to be right…”

Barbra Mandrell—” sleeping single in a double bed trying to forget…”

Loretta Lynn—” I gotta lotta love left in me, so I wanna be free…”

And so I raise my Mango Ice, to the Queens of Country who in their song have exposed my bruised and trampled heart and may God bless them as tonight they exorcise the shadows and demons that have been left behind in my heart and in my bed ……..

“Hit and Runs”.

 

I learned a new idiom the other night, or rather I should say in the early morning hours.

Vampire time, where our weaknesses rise up to tempt us and seduce us.

I did something really stupid at 2:00 AM.  I sent a text message to Jackson.  Like I said it was a stupid thing to do, but there may be a good lesson in it for me.

This is the message I sent him:

Ivonne: It is in these late hours that temptation besieges me…”.

The rest of the conversation transpired as follows:

Jackson: Yikes!”.

Ivonne: ” it is also when my soul opens and I write my best….”

Jackson:”How humble! You are like Jesus”.

Ivonne:”no I don’t walk on water”.

Ivonne:”"yeah, why would you respond yikes…that was kinda rude”.

Jackson:”Guys don’t have common sense. Lo siento”.

Ivonne:” and you certainly know how to kill a mood”.

Jackson:” Was supposed to be funny but only I laughed”.

Ivonne:” apparently..why r u doing up at his hour?”.

Jackson:” Reading and you?”

Ivonne:” besides being a little horny…”.

Ivonne:” doing paperwork…”.

Jackson:” A little?”

Ivonne:” ok a lot f____ing horny”.

Jackson: ” well where are your other mid-20′s guys?”

Ivonne: lol..I don’t sleep around..no other men young or old”

Ivonne:” and I don’t waste time with 20 something’s..u were the exception”.

Jackson:’ I am honored”.

Ivonne:”but still wasted my time with u”

Ivonne:’oh god..is that all you can say”.

Jackson:” Someone is touchy tonight”.

Ivonne:” right,it’s called being horny and no outlet…duh”

Ivonne: good night..sorry if I bothered u”

Jackson:” Sorry I am useless”.

Ivonne:’ why do u say u r useless”.

Jackson:”I can’t assist you”.

Ivonne:”wasn’t expecting you to”.

Jackson:”Just teasing?”

Ivonne:” not teasing but I understand that you have a girlfriend…there was a time you would flirt back…”.

Jackson:” Plus ‘hit and runs’ are bad emotionally”

Ivonne:” not sure what hits and run r”.

Jackson: “sex and nada mas”.

Ivonne:”shouldn’t you have considered that b4 u had sex with me?”

…there was no response after that.

The next morning I sent the following text;

Ivonne: ” btw, last night was not about sex…it was about intimacy and desiring to connect on a soul level”.

Jackson did not respond to that either.

Like I said when I started it was a stupid thing to do.

I was not horny, not even close.  I was exhausted and tired from a long working weekend.  I was not horny. I was missing him, but it was easier to say that I was horny because to admit that I still cared I could not do.

It wasn’t about the sex.  It was about him….but I felt dirty..violated …when he said “hit and runs”.

This very ugly realization occurred to me, “Is that all I was?”

a hit and run..so he never cared about me..never saw me as a person? 

So, all he saw was an older women who he assumed slept around because he was younger..wow I was stunned…..that really hurt.

I’m done.  I have never felt so bad in any relationship as I do now.  Not even the ex-husband or the ex-boyfriend before Jackson made me feel this bad.

Three psychics have told me that he would come back, but now I just don’t know.  I don’t know if I would want him back.  I know I deserve so much better than this.

So, I think that was the blessing for me. I think I can finally let go and open my heart to someone who is going to love me, mind, body, heart and soul, as i want to love them.

Growing up hurts……..

…weeds & flowers……

 

Where I live the dirt is so fertile that weeds and wild things grow rampant.

There is this ugly, tall thing growing furiously out front.  I keep meaning to go out there and pull it up.

Well a funny thing happened, almost overnight, this tall ugly thing had the most beautiful pink flowers blossoming on it.

Wow…I was amazed.  Here I thought thing was merely an ugly weed, when in reality it was a flower waiting to bloom.

Our relationships are like that plant.  There are some that we judge to be merely weeds, but if we give them time, we will see that they are really flowers.

And some that we think are precious flowers are merely no more than stink weed.

Given time and discernment you will able to know which is a flower and which is a weed.

Intimacy…….

 

 

We are all here because in some form or another we need healing in the area of our relationships.  We are seeking a connection to others but what is Intimacy?  What is it that we are seeing when we look for intimacy with others? 

 In the film, “Jerry Maguire”, Tom Cruise says ,”You complete me” and when I first heard that line I thought yes, how romantic but I have since learned otherwise. It takes two whole, healed and complete beings unto themselves to come together and then they can form an intimate relationship with each other. 

 When I worked on a Bank of America commercial the make-up artist said to me that “Intimacy” means IN-TO-ME-SEE. Intimacy is when we can expose ourselves, our heart, our soul, our fears, and  our dreams to another human being knowing that we will be received for who we really are. 

And isn’t that what we ultimately desire in our intimate relationships, to be really seen by our intimate partner?

In the film, “Avatar”, the NaVi express feelings of love by saying, “I see you”, which makes a lot more sense to me than, “You complete me”.

When we look to someone else to complete us there are gaps in us and parts of our self that remain unfulfilled.  So when the other disappears or is sick or is unable to be there we feel pain.  But that pain isn’t inflicted by the other partner. That is the pain that has always been there that never got healed inside of us.  We thought it had gone away because our relationship became the bandage, our crutch. 

 So how can we be intimate with another human when we can not even be intimate with ourselves?  That is the first step in having intimacy with another person.  We have to be intimate with ourselves first.  We have to heal our pains and hurts first.  We have to face our own soul and that is the hardest part on the journey towards healing.

 So let’s pray for courage, for wisdom, for self-knowledge, for self forgiveness so that we can be healed and bring light into all our relationships.

love & light

ivonne