…little blue pills……

 

I was at my mom’s a few months ago and she was laughing and smiling, which is rather unusual for my mom.

I commented to my step-dad and he said she was on anti-depressant.

I took an interest because I had been pondering if anti-depressants really have an effect on those taking them.

Well, I finally had evidence in the form of my mother.  I was shocked at the difference in her behavior.  I had been contemplating anti-depressants because I’m tired.

I’m tired of not being happy.

I’m tired of feeling overwhelmed.

I’m tired of wishing I was dead.

I’m tired of not wanting to get up out of bed because I dreaded the day.

Because everything on my to-do list sucked as far as I was concerned.

I needed something to get me past the point of feeling like a broken record, repeating the same sad feelings over and over.

Now, you have to understand I have done therapy.  I have done self-help, self-analysis.  I have mediated, I have prayed, I have affirmed but this underlying wish to not exist never really goes away.

My life in many ways has had a lot of blessings among the pitfalls but it seems as if they stand out more.  I do not know what joy feels like.  I have moments, seconds of feeling good but they are overshadowed by aeons of sadness.

A couple of months ago I found out that my great-grand parents on my mother’s side (married to each other) had each committed suicide by hanging themselves ( at different points in time).

I wish I had known that growing up.  I always felt like there was something so wrong with me.

I remember at the age of 8 or 9, sitting in the shower stall hugging my knees rocking back and forth and wishing that I was dead.  but I don’t remember what had occurred to make me feel that way.  To this day there is a black spot on my memory, but I do remember wishing that I was dead at the age of 8 or 9.

The light bulb went off for me when my mom told me about the suicides.  all of a sudden it made so much more sense to me.

Depression, like alcoholism is hereditary.  I no longer felt like I was some alien..  Like a failure because all the therapy, all the seminars ultimately left me back at square one.

So, I take a little blue pill every morning and I wonder is it really working?  I think it is because I don’t feel so overwhelmed.  I still get angry , I still get sad but I don’t go into death mood like I used to so easily.

“I think I need a higher dosage”, I had said to my mother.  She said “Me too!”.

I thought she was talking about herself but she meant she agreed with me that I should be on a higher dosage….thanks mom….

I often wonder what it would have been like to have had a happy mother that enjoyed life…would I still need meds or would I have been a happier child?

I am tired of being the sad one.  I want to be known as the woman who is living life to the utmost.

 

😉

23 Responses to “…little blue pills……”

  1. JFont Says:

    Wow, Ivonne that was so deep, I had no idea that you ever felt this way at any time in your life. You have always been so vibrant and alive and happy. I can totally relate to the types of feelings you described and the fact that you learned that depression runs in your family as well. I had a brother from my father’s first marraige who committed suicide after losing his wife and family… I could never understand that since he looked so happy in the pictures where we posed together. I really did not remember him since I was so young but the memories lived quietly with the family history.

    As you know, You were there – I was on antidepressants for a long time and eventually it lead to my needing anti psychotic medication… Y lo demas es otra historia…

    I never thought that I could find happiness or stability agan in my life but there is hope. The doctors told me that I would never be the same and that I would need medicine for the rest of my life – they were wrong.

    Just know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Remember that many people love you and wish you to be happy.

    I Love You.

    Joshua

  2. appleblossomgirl Says:

    Dear Ivonne,
    Even if it sounds dull or strange and you won’t believe me, I can SO understand what you’re going through! My friends and and family also think I am a happy normal teenage girl, but deep inside it hurts just so much. I don’t know exactly why, but I am so tired of life. It started in elementary school, where I began to have these thoughts. I also tried to kill myself (I don’t want to shock you, but to be honest about it). Nowadays I don’t want to stand up in the morning, I feel no real joy, when I laugh, I often do it so that my friends hink I’m happy. It’s more a pretending. I feel like nonone knows the “real me”. But I don’t want to talk about me here. I just wanted to let you know that I can feel what you are going through.
    I really wish that you will overcome these depressive feelings and start your flashy happy life you DEFINETLY deserve!!! 🙂
    Have a wonderful day!!
    Yours, appleblossom

    PS: I’m sorry if this sounds insensetive now, but I a thought just occured to me. It’s possible that there are genetic factors playing a role, because you said it’s kind of running through the family. But whatever will happen, please promise me that you will fight for happiness and never give up. NEVER give up! Because there ARE people who LOVE you and REALLY NEED you!!! 😉

  3. Sex, Spirit & Soul Mates....Ivonne's Journey Says:

    dear appleblossomgirl,

    you are truly sweet and amazing I hope I have the honor of meeting you someday.

    It makes me feel happy to know that you are in my corner.

    It’s funny unless you have been there people don’t get that it’s not just emotional, that your body feels pain as well.
    That you really hurt and it’s not just in your mind.

    Moving to the beach was a good thing because I feel so much more peaceful now than a couple of years ago.

    School has been great and that put a lot of pressure but it is time to move on from that as well.

    thank you for your response
    😉
    ivonne

  4. notjustagranny Says:

    Dearest Ivonne,
    I visited your blog today and noticed the post on blue pills. I feel really sad for you, depression is such a horrid place to be in life. I suffered from depression for most of my life, due to factors that happened in my childhood. My mother suffered from depression for many years too and turned to alcohol for relief, except of course that did not help at all. I had a nervous breakdown in 1987 and ended up in hospital, in the 70’s I tried to commit suicide 7 times, and when I was in my early twenties I drank myself into oblivion to get away from the thoughts inside my head. I went thru years of serious depression, saw a psychiatrist etc, but nothing really helped and it was like I lived in a black fog of helplessness. Eventually, for me, I was very fortunate that I came to live in the UK in 2001, and my life has changed ever since. Not only coz the lifestyle suits me but coz I came across a man by the name of Dr John Demartini. He is amazing and I can highly recommend that you research him. He does a programme called the ‘Breakthrough Experience’. I did the course in 2007, and have not had a day of depression since. You literally break the chains of depression and it is an amazingly liberating experience. Everyone who knows me has commented on how much I have changed; a different person. He is not a regular Doctor, but a Chiropractor and he is a highly educated and well read man with years of research behind him.
    I hope that you have the priviledge of meeting him as I did. He is amazing. If you get the chance to attend one of his courses I would seriously recommend that you do.
    Meanwhile honey, do avoid using the little blue pills, they eventually become a necessity and although it seems like a panacea now, in time they dull your senses and you forget who you are. I think you are lovely and enjoy your posts….good luck to both you and appleblossomgirl. Please keep in touch, life is good and we can decide how we feel about it. Have you ever heard of Tony Robbins and NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming)? also very good for resolving issue of childhood and depression.
    I am thinking of you and wish you the best.
    warmest regards
    Cindy
    notjustagranny

  5. Sex, Spirit & Soul Mates....Ivonne's Journey Says:

    Dear Cindy,

    thank you for your words of encouragement. I have done some NLP in the past, which was good. I have heard of Dr. Demartini, I think he may have even spoken at Agape Church….I will def have to check him out…..

    Moving to Long Beach, I live 8 blocks from the ocean and that always makes me feel peacful. since I have moved down here I have felt alot better. It’s funny how where you live can make all the difference sometimes.

    I so much appreciate your words of encouragement and your posts.

    Would love to make it out to London and meet you in person some day.

    😉

    ivonne

  6. Ms. Behaving Says:

    Hey, I am going to move to Huntington Beach soon!!! I think at least. We’ll be neighbors practically. Anyways, I love your posts, and you are beautiful, so why not be happy? =) I think anti-depressants or any drugs are good to take if they are working for you. I think the ocean will make me happier too. xoxo. Ms. Behaving

    • Sex, Spirit & Soul Mates....Ivonne's Journey Says:

      hey, let me know when you move down. Huntington Beach is only 30 mins from long beach.

      Where are you going to school. I’m at CSULB.

      😉

      ivonne

  7. Ms. Behaving Says:

    I’m at Claremont Graduate University. I will. I should be there June 1. xoxo

  8. Sex, Spirit & Soul Mates....Ivonne's Journey Says:

    That is a very good school. My friend David, is going to be there for the fall.

    My favorite authoress, Rosemary Radford Ruether teaches there.

    So you will be commuting from Hunt Bch to Claremont?

    ivonne

  9. Doraz Says:

    Thank you for taking the time to visit my blog and leave a nice comment. I really believe that once a person has decided to take on life…their journey is truly beginning. I think that a person has to do whatever is needed to make their situation work the best. In my opinion, if a child has kidney disease, you should give them whatever medicine is available to help. So, in my opinion…medicine can help in many cases. Take on life with a smile and a positive attitude…that is what I do. It does make it a bit easier when I get in a mood where I would rather SCREAM. lol 🙂 Hope you have a great week.

  10. Mary Rice Hasson Says:

    Thanks for being so honest and sharing openly. I wish you the best. By thee way, I’m curious…what appeals to you about Rosemary Radford Reuther’s work?

  11. Sex, Spirit & Soul Mates....Ivonne's Journey Says:

    ..besides the fact that she is a goddess/genious? Her points of view are not just contemporay but they are also steeped in much historical research.

    Her thesis develop not only out of Judeo-Christian beliefs but she takes into account ancient near eastern traditions, anthroplogy and archeology as well.

    She also mananged to have and raise three children and get her Ph.d. in an era where most women were housewives and did not have careers.

  12. 2010 in review « Sex, Spirit, Soul Mates and Chocolate….Ivonne's Journey Says:

    […] …little blue pills…… May 2010 12 comments 3 […]

  13. Terry McKenzie Says:

    Beautifully written. I take my Zoloft every day and only wish I’d done it years earlier. Some of us are born “seratinun-light.” Fortunately there is help. Good for you for taking it.

  14. Sex, Spirit, Soul Mates and Chocolate....Ivonne's Journey Says:

    Dear Terry,

    Thank for stopping by and taking the time to comment. I am so glad I re-read this post. It was good to see where I was then and where I am now. I no longer take the little blue pills, thank fully I can do this whereas, I know many people do not have a choice. Depression still hits me but not as bad as it used to. It’s like alcoholiosm..you have to take it one day at a time. And I think that is the big key.

    🙂

    ivonne

  15. ramblingsfromamum Says:

    My daughters are both on mild anti depressants – due to anxiety attacks, they help them so I am happy that they are able to cope with the help of a little tablet. They don’t get the urges to write a list about everything they have to do, or freak out at the smallest of catastrophes. It ‘stabilises’ them….you are NOT an alien.. Take Care xx and thank you for visiting me also

    • Sex, Spirit, Soul Mates and Chocolate....Ivonne's Journey Says:

      Dear Rambling..

      thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I have not read this post for a while and it is so lovely to re-read everyon’e words of encouragement.

      🙂

      Ivonne

  16. radaronelson Says:

    I just started on a new one this past week and unlike the last one this one actually works. I do yawn a lot but I think because I’m not use to it but as for my mood I feel a lot happier. I don’t remember the name, it’s only been a week and I’m not good with medicine names. My wife knows it. I’ve had to ask her more than once what it was called lol

    • Sex, Spirit, Soul Mates and Chocolate....Ivonne's Journey Says:

      I stopped taking them because it took the edge off of my creativity and anger–both of which I need…..

  17. celestedimilla Says:

    It was brave of you to share this Ivonne. It’s the kind of thing a lot of people want to hide away from the world. I can SO relate to what you’ve shared here. My family has a history of depression and anxiety, and I’ve had my share of issues throughout my life. In fact, I became a psychotherapist partially to help myself (actually, a lot of psychotherapists go into the field for this reason!). Thanks for putting this out there. It helps to share. It helps you and it helps others feeling the same way to recognize that they’re not alone. Celeste:)

    • Sex, Spirit, Soul Mates and Chocolate....Ivonne's Journey Says:

      Thank you Celese. I appreciate the words of encouragement. My wordpress family has helped a lot with the emotional support.

  18. Becki Duckworth Says:

    Do whatever you need to.. I took the little blue pills for about 8 months and they helped me get through the most difficult pain. Now I just take Valium or Xanax when needed.

  19. homeopathyandacupunctureclinic Says:

    Hi Ivonne. My heart cries when I hear things like you wrote in your blog. I hope you consider reading some of my posts and realize that there is hope for you. You are not alone. What makes this difficult is that most people just do not know that bandaid blue pill can ultimately make things worse. Considering the age of this post, you probably already know what I mean. A true cure comes from removing obstacles to cure, from returning the body to its natural state of health, and correcting the underlying cause (often a gut disturbance). Many licenced Naturopathic Physicians offer consultaitons at no charge. I wish you happiness. http://homeopathyandacupunctureclinic.com/2015/05/11/do-you-treat-____________/


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