…What was I thinking? !!!


We have all been there, that glorious part of a break-up where all the effects of oxytocin have worn off and the fantasy bubble finally burst.

It is like the sun bursting through the clouds after a storm, warm welcoming rays of light with iridescent rainbows in the background.

The moment we realize we are finally free and no longer a slave to the imagination inside of our hearts.

I finally got there. I finally got over Jackson!!!!  And all I can say to myself is, ” What the heck was I thinking”?

As as you travel through life you will discover that people who you thought were real, really weren’t…that they were fakes and phonies and the only thing that made them into real people was your belief in them…what you thought was the good in them and it turns out the good was only in your mind?

You see I thought Jackson was this great guy in the beginning, that I had seen his heart and maybe to some people he does have a heart (to be fair) but where I was concerned it was more like heart-less.

At first I was hurt.  I wanted to believe the three, count them three psychics that had said that he would be back.

And then I got angry.

I have gotten past the anger and now I am simply at, what was I thinking?

I think that there is a disconnect between the heart and brain when you think you care for someone based on imaginary factors.

I don’t know if guys do this but women certainly do.  We plan out a whole future based on a few dates, a few possibilities.

It is the imagination and heart run amuck.  The beauty of it is that this is a temporary condition, somewhat akin to temporary transient amnesia where one temporarily loses one’s mind in which all you can remember is nothingness.

And when you come out of that black void you ask yourself, what was I thinking?  That is when you know you have been cured and your heart now displays a vacant sign.

A vacant sign that hopefully the right man will occupy!!!

Posted in love. Tags: , . 11 Comments »

Pro-Life or Pro-Choice Part Five…guilt and grief.

Hypnotherapy is not what you imagine it to be.

I knew that physically my body was ready for a baby, that if I had gotten to the point of embryo it would have implanted.

So, what had gone wrong?  I very much believe in the mind-body connection and I began to question what had I missed.

In my research, in my fertility make-over what had I missed.

My miscarriage a year and half ago brought to the surface lots of repressed anger and guilt.  and Hence the previous posts on abortion because I knew they were all connected.

One day while looking for a c.d, a hypnosis c.d. fell off the shelf and into my hands.   The voice of intuition said that’s it.  That is the next step.

I thought it would be very simple, you get put under you straight to the subconscious mind figure out what’s wrong and record new tracks in the brain…well not so much.

There is much more work involved and is not the easy fix that I thought it would be.

What rose to the surface was guilt and grief.  Guilt about the abortion.  Grief about the abortion.

You see I have always hated Mother’s Day because every mother’s day was a reminder that I was no one’s mother.

Abortion does not qualify you the status of mother.  Logical of course, but when it comes to emotions logic does not really hold a place.

My disdain for mother’s day was holding the mourning that I have never been able to publically express.

In the time of mother goddess, we women had rituals.  We had rituals for birth, death, passages from one aspect of life to another.

But in this modern world they are gone.

You see my grief, my mourning is as real as a women who gave birth to a still born child.  I mourn the loss of my two babies due to abortion and my one child due to a miscarriage.

But the world does not acknowledge my loss or my pain.  Quite the contrary there are those who would call me a murderer, like my own sister.  And there are those who would say that I deserve my pain and that I brought it upon my self.  And at one point I think I also thought the same way.

But I know better now.  So, I publically say to the world, when I was younger I was not able to give birth to my children. I knew that I could not provide a life for them.  And that was a loss that I was not allowed to mourn.

But I will mourn the loss of my three babies now, whether or not you give me permission to.

I give myself permission.  I say to you my heart has cried the tears of a mother.  But there is no tombstone or grave to mark my loss other than the emptiness inside my heart.

You see the child that I have been trying to give birth to, I realize now has been me.  The real me, all of me, the part of me that has held the loss.

And there is anger as well.  It is amazing how you go into therapy thinking you are going to work on a particular issue and other emotions and things come at you from seemingly out of left field, like intense anger at my dad…….to be continued.

Posted in grief. Tags: . 9 Comments »

Pro-Life or Pro-Choice…Part Four


                            This is my embryo that I miscarried………


Part Four

For the past 2 ½ years I have been trying to get pregnant.  A single mother by choice I turned to assisted reproductive techniques.

I had two failed insemination and then I tried in vitro.  Any woman who has gone through this will tell you that it is a difficult and arduous process, especially if you are single and without a supportive partner.

January 2009 I had a positive pregnancy test but my beta levels were low.  I was told I had to come back in a couple of days and get retested.  My levels were lowered I was told to stop taking my medication.

 At the age of 48 I had produced three eggs, one of which fertilized and became an embryo.  I saw it on the ultrasound.  That was pretty amazing.  And the embryo attached to the uterus, which is why I got an initial positive test.  But then he stopped growing and I had a miscarriage.  I felt as if I was being punished for having had the abortion and that the baby that was wanted, that I knew I could take care of was taken from me.

My doctor was willing to try again in spite of my age because I had produced an embryo that had attached to the uterus.

I spent eight months doing acupuncture, changing my diet, detoxifying my body of chemicals that are known to cause infertility.  My acupuncturist was so confident that I would get pregnant and so was I or so I thought.

Well in the middle of this process I had started dating Jackson, and started to have doubts if I was doing the right thing. (Well you all know how it turned out with Jackson)

But the doubts had already crept into my mind.  And there is a mind-body connection.  What we think, what we feel produces chemicals and hormones in our body.  That is why they tell women who are stressing over getting pregnant to relax because the stress hormones that are released in the body do not aid in conception.

My doctor had changed the protocol, my mind was not sure and the result was I had produced not one viable egg, so no chance of an embryo.  I was devastated.

Physically everything should have worked.  But what did I miss?  What had I overlooked?  There had to be something, something in the psyche that had made my body say no to a baby.

I started having thoughts like, “maybe my uterus does not think it’s ok to carry a baby because I had the abortion”…… “maybe a little baby soul does not trust me to be it’s mother”.

You can make yourself go crazy trying to figure out why.

I had to find out what was in my subconscious.  What was in my mind that was making my body say no to a baby.

I turned to hypnotherapy….to be continued……

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