Pro-Life or Pro-Choice…Part Four


                            This is my embryo that I miscarried………


Part Four

For the past 2 ½ years I have been trying to get pregnant.  A single mother by choice I turned to assisted reproductive techniques.

I had two failed insemination and then I tried in vitro.  Any woman who has gone through this will tell you that it is a difficult and arduous process, especially if you are single and without a supportive partner.

January 2009 I had a positive pregnancy test but my beta levels were low.  I was told I had to come back in a couple of days and get retested.  My levels were lowered I was told to stop taking my medication.

 At the age of 48 I had produced three eggs, one of which fertilized and became an embryo.  I saw it on the ultrasound.  That was pretty amazing.  And the embryo attached to the uterus, which is why I got an initial positive test.  But then he stopped growing and I had a miscarriage.  I felt as if I was being punished for having had the abortion and that the baby that was wanted, that I knew I could take care of was taken from me.

My doctor was willing to try again in spite of my age because I had produced an embryo that had attached to the uterus.

I spent eight months doing acupuncture, changing my diet, detoxifying my body of chemicals that are known to cause infertility.  My acupuncturist was so confident that I would get pregnant and so was I or so I thought.

Well in the middle of this process I had started dating Jackson, and started to have doubts if I was doing the right thing. (Well you all know how it turned out with Jackson)

But the doubts had already crept into my mind.  And there is a mind-body connection.  What we think, what we feel produces chemicals and hormones in our body.  That is why they tell women who are stressing over getting pregnant to relax because the stress hormones that are released in the body do not aid in conception.

My doctor had changed the protocol, my mind was not sure and the result was I had produced not one viable egg, so no chance of an embryo.  I was devastated.

Physically everything should have worked.  But what did I miss?  What had I overlooked?  There had to be something, something in the psyche that had made my body say no to a baby.

I started having thoughts like, “maybe my uterus does not think it’s ok to carry a baby because I had the abortion”…… “maybe a little baby soul does not trust me to be it’s mother”.

You can make yourself go crazy trying to figure out why.

I had to find out what was in my subconscious.  What was in my mind that was making my body say no to a baby.

I turned to hypnotherapy….to be continued……

7 Responses to “Pro-Life or Pro-Choice…Part Four”

  1. Sage Says:

    I refuse to be hypnotised. My mind is the one thing I have that is mine and I have this shocking fear that whoever hypnotises me will mess with my thoughts. So when the subject comes up in therapy I say no way …

    😦 I am so sorry you did not produce an embryo. A friend of mine is desperate for a lil one and she has had no success so now she believes she is meant to be a mother to animals only. I think that is the only way she won’t go crazy in sadness.

    I hate how there are people in the world who shouldn’t be parents that are and couldn’t give a shit about their child(ren) and then there are people like you who want a baby and are not successful quickly. Bugs me to no end …

  2. M. M. Says:

    That’s sad 😦
    Have faith… Hopefully, everything would be fine 🙂

  3. GentlemanPlayer Says:

    I’m not going to say that I know what you mean because I don’t. I’m just going to say never lose hope.

    Easier said than done I suppose but here’s a quote from Oscar Wilde, “What seems to us as bitter trials are often blessings in disguise”.

    Keep smiling and keep on saying “Good Morning” 😉

  4. Jim Kendall Says:

    It seems you’re not convinced about your answer to the question whether or not one can be both pro-life and pro-choice. Rarely does anyone talk about the psychological effects on a woman after an abortion. It’s blatanly ironic, after reading your posts, that which was once easy to have is now difficult to acheive. There are consequences in choosing to be pro-life or pro-choice. Which choice provides more happiness, less regret, or less haunting? Perhaps, that’s the question which needs to addressed. I hope you realize your desire to have a baby.

  5. Jim Kendall Says:

    Reblogged this on Reblog Junk Drawer.

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