Pro-Life or Pro-Choice Part Five…guilt and grief.

Hypnotherapy is not what you imagine it to be.

I knew that physically my body was ready for a baby, that if I had gotten to the point of embryo it would have implanted.

So, what had gone wrong?  I very much believe in the mind-body connection and I began to question what had I missed.

In my research, in my fertility make-over what had I missed.

My miscarriage a year and half ago brought to the surface lots of repressed anger and guilt.  and Hence the previous posts on abortion because I knew they were all connected.

One day while looking for a c.d, a hypnosis c.d. fell off the shelf and into my hands.   The voice of intuition said that’s it.  That is the next step.

I thought it would be very simple, you get put under you straight to the subconscious mind figure out what’s wrong and record new tracks in the brain…well not so much.

There is much more work involved and is not the easy fix that I thought it would be.

What rose to the surface was guilt and grief.  Guilt about the abortion.  Grief about the abortion.

You see I have always hated Mother’s Day because every mother’s day was a reminder that I was no one’s mother.

Abortion does not qualify you the status of mother.  Logical of course, but when it comes to emotions logic does not really hold a place.

My disdain for mother’s day was holding the mourning that I have never been able to publically express.

In the time of mother goddess, we women had rituals.  We had rituals for birth, death, passages from one aspect of life to another.

But in this modern world they are gone.

You see my grief, my mourning is as real as a women who gave birth to a still born child.  I mourn the loss of my two babies due to abortion and my one child due to a miscarriage.

But the world does not acknowledge my loss or my pain.  Quite the contrary there are those who would call me a murderer, like my own sister.  And there are those who would say that I deserve my pain and that I brought it upon my self.  And at one point I think I also thought the same way.

But I know better now.  So, I publically say to the world, when I was younger I was not able to give birth to my children. I knew that I could not provide a life for them.  And that was a loss that I was not allowed to mourn.

But I will mourn the loss of my three babies now, whether or not you give me permission to.

I give myself permission.  I say to you my heart has cried the tears of a mother.  But there is no tombstone or grave to mark my loss other than the emptiness inside my heart.

You see the child that I have been trying to give birth to, I realize now has been me.  The real me, all of me, the part of me that has held the loss.

And there is anger as well.  It is amazing how you go into therapy thinking you are going to work on a particular issue and other emotions and things come at you from seemingly out of left field, like intense anger at my dad…….to be continued.

Posted in grief. Tags: . 9 Comments »

9 Responses to “Pro-Life or Pro-Choice Part Five…guilt and grief.”

  1. Sage Says:

    No one has a right to decide what you do with your body end of the day. No one has to live with the decision bar you and that is the cross you bare for the rest of your life. From reading this post, you are suffering enough, no one else could make you feel any worse then you already do.

    So with that, I say you do what helps you cope through the day. xx

  2. Sex, Spirit & Soul Mates....Ivonne's Journey Says:

    Dear Sage,

    thank you for stopping by. The funny thing is you don’t always know what you are walking around with and realizing I needed to mourn was a big release.

    Thank you for your support.
    😉

    ivonne

  3. honorarynewfie Says:

    You certainly have my permission to mourn.
    Brave, and honest posting.
    Good luck.

    • Sex, Spirit & Soul Mates....Ivonne's Journey Says:

      Thank you for stopping by and checking out my blog and also for your words of support.

      😉
      ivonne

  4. wethepeople911 Says:

    I left a comment on a blog you had responded to. I now read your posts. You do not seem like one of those women who use abortion as birth control, but what about the other woman on her 7th. You made the decision because the government and society has given you the option to. If it was not legal, you first pregnancy would have change your life and you probably wouldn’t have gotten involved with the second loser who was doing cocaine a choking you. Sometimes having a child may be the right thing to do. You say you can’t imagine having a grown child right now, but think about what he or she could be doing. Like maybe making you proud, giving you grand children. Kids give purpose to your like and although I don’t think you are a barbarian like many people who have abortions, I believe if it wasn’t a legal choice you would have had it and you life would probably have changed for the better. If abortion wasn’t an option, would you think it a true injustice, or almost a relief to get that ‘choice’ out of people’s minds and just have them know if they get pregnant they are having it. Adoption the one and only choice, and because of roe v. wade now you regret your abortion more than ever and have to live wondering about those children whom you love and would have loved you had you not aborted them. We need to take away the choice and save women like you from this kind of life.

    • Sex, Spirit & Soul Mates....Ivonne's Journey Says:

      Thank you for stopping by the blog. I am both pro-choice and pro-life. I believe that women should always be the ones who decide what happens to their bodies. I am pro-life in the sense that I think if women had better options and support they may make different choices. As a teenager, without options I think I made the right choice at the time. Are t here regrets of course. I wish that I had had better options and some kind of support system-but they were not there. And, yes, I was using birth control when I got pregnant..sometimes it just does not work.

      I believe that before we incarnate we chose certain aspects of our paths. For those baby souls and for my path, I have to believe that there was a purpose for that as well.

      • Paula Says:

        Hi Ivonne,
        I am so sorry for your pain. please visit http://www.rachelsvineyard.org/ they are able to assist those who are suffering from abortions.

        Also–I think it is ironic that living in a “pro-choice” society actually created the situation in which you felt forced into your first abortion. Was your choice and your desire respected in “pro-choice” America?

        I will pray for you!
        Paula

  5. ramantorecipes Says:

    Thank you for writing so honestly about this topic.
    Peace and blessings.

    • Sex, Spirit & Soul Mates....Ivonne's Journey Says:

      Thank you for stopping by my blog and for your comments. If we can’t be honest with ourselves about our choices and how they have affected us good or bad, we can’t really look in the mirror, can we?

      blessing to you

      Ivonne


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