The lid to the Pandora’s box of my psyche had been lifted and opened during my last set’s of therapy.
Hence, why I have not posted in a while because I have been processing.
Therapy can get redundant. I mean I go in this time to figure out what are the underlying-subconscious issues that are sabotaging my fertility and little did I expect for the same old-shit to come up.
Really, I just paid $800.00 (no heath insurance) to discover that I still have repressed anger at my dad, my mom, really?!!!!!
You’ve got to be kidding me. No, we are not kidding. Anger, sadness, guilt-you name it, festers in the body, usually becomes some kind of cancer or dis-ease if not lived, experienced and purged from the body.
Turning the other cheek really does not work. You can’t just let something go until you really feel all the hurt that belies the anger-guilt frustration etc… If you are not feeling the love there is hurt somewhere that needs to be released.
But it was not childhood anger that I was feeling. It is recent anger from just four years ago.
And maybe I will post my exposé/anger/grief in another post, but for now we will skip the details because they could incriminate me.
And to be fair and democratic mother is not guiltless either, but we will save that for the book.
Let’s just say I have spent the past couple of months reliving-remembering-releasing and most importantly realizing.
I realized I was tired, so damn tired. Tired of being hurt. Tired of being angry. Tired of being physically tired because of all these emotions that were weighting-yes weighting me down (yet another future post).
I decided I was just done. I have had enough. I am done giving my money away for therapy to always come up with the same answer–that I am still feeling hurt over something my mother-father-brother-ex-lover-ex-husband-ex-friend–you name it said or did to me.
I just got tired writing that. That was the realization.
That is when I realized the meaning of “release and let go” as written about by great sages and mystics. What Jesus really meant by “turning the other cheek”, what Buddha meant by not having “your emotions control you”.
If you hold onto the anger, the only person you really hurt is yourself.
And life goes on, and the people around you go on and yet there you are stuck in the muck and mire of your mind.
How many times, have we not read or at least I have read about forgiveness, releasing and letting go.
Funny thing is that this is not an intellectual idea. I have always gotten it intellectually but I never felt it before.
It is hard to describe just what this feeling is. All I can say is that I was tired of being tired and hurt and in that moment a burden was lifted and I was compelled to book a trip to Hawaii instead (with my mom no less), I think to learn more about the healing practice of Ho’Opono…..to be continued