Pandora’s Box …Part Five

 

Yesterday my mother told me that she hated her life and did not want to be alive. She said she didn’t have the guts to do it so she asked her husband to shoot her in the head while she slept.  (She must be off of her meds.)

I told her he couldn’t do that because he would go to jail.  She said, “that’s what he said”.

My mother continued to tell me that she told my aunt to tell us (my sister and I) that if she was suddenly to tell us that she was happier.

I told her I already thought that.  I don’t know how I am going to feel when my mother passes away but I do know that I will think,” Well, I hope she is finally happy and at peace”.

I grew up under my mother’s black cloud.  As a little girl all I ever heard was how my mother felt like an 80-year-old woman and how she did not want to be alive.

What do you do with that?  I have often wondered what my life would be like if I had a happy, joyful mother.  Three weeks ago I told my sister that I thought our mother should be committed to a hospital, that she needs to be severely medicated and in therapy.  A friend told me that she can’t be committed unless she becomes a harm to herself or others.

She is a harm to me right now.  I am fighting for my emotional sanity.  I am fighting to complete my thesis.  I am fighting to rebuild my life.  I am fighting not to sink into a depression that will take me to the edge of suicide.  And I don’t know how I can be around my mother and do all of that.

I feel like I am 16 years old again, laying in bed, under the covers pretending to be asleep until it was safe to get up, until the yelling and screaming subsided.

I found a place to move my business out of my mother’s garage and she thinks it’s an awful place. It isn’t. It is a great place but she has never had a word of encouragement to say to me, ever.

I can not do this anymore.  I can no longer be that 16-year-old teenager who is tiptoeing around her mother’s emotional outbursts.

After she said that she had told her husband to shoot her she started ranting and raving about the internet and people exposing their lives for everyone to see.  She was talking about facebook and the fact that my sister allows her kids to be on facebook.  OMG, if she knew about this blog I would never hear the end of it.

She thinks she knows me, but how can she know me when I can not reveal to her how I really feel or think about anything?

She has always treated me differently than my sister.  My sister got off really easy.  I always seemed to be the scape goat.  I think part of the problem is that I look just like my mother.  I am a mini-me of my mom. She says things like, ” I don’t want you to make the same mistakes that I did”, to which my reply is usually, “They are ‘MY’ mistakes and not yours”.

My mother has always lived her life in fear of everything.  I made a conscious decision as a teenager never to live life like that.

No one makes good choices based on fear.

I think my mother should get into therapy for herself so that she can face her demons and try to be happy. But I don’t think that is possible.

My mother has made choices based on what she thought is morally right and correct.  The thing is there is only one way to do things, my mother’s way.  Any other way is just wrong.  She says she does not have a problem.  The problem is with the people that she is around.  If she could be alone she would not have problems.

So, in order for therapy to be effective my mother would have to admit that she has been wrong on the occasion.  And she can not do that.  I think she would rather be right and miserable than wrong and happy.

I have to get off this emotional rollercoaster before I feel compelled to shoot myself in the head…………

2 Responses to “Pandora’s Box …Part Five”

  1. Lisa Says:

    I think we have the same Mother! I am trying to learn how to overcome those feelings of dread when dealing with her. She swings back and forth, being angry, hateful and depressed one moment, and then happy and laughing when talking to a friend, after the phone rings, the next.

    As a child I never knew who I’d be dealing with on a day to day basis. However she could control it in front of her friends and people she didn’t know….they will never know her true personality. She never seemed happy with her life and her kids, or her husband. She even told me she thought my Father was going to be so much more in life than he was. Clearly she is selfish.

    I think it was how she was raised. Her Father left her and her Mother when she was 9 years old. Then he had a kid with another woman, and then came back a few years later to stay. This behavior instilled abandonment, fear, and anger in this little 9 year old child, my Mother.
    I think mentally she stayed that 9 year old sad and lonely, distrusting little girl.
    My poor Father spent 45 years trying to make up for that. She was so hard on him. I was happy for my Father when he passed, because he finally got away from this angry, sad woman.
    I was holding his hand when he died. My Mom and my sister were in the other room with all of their friends. I had to tell the nurse to please go find them before he was completely gone.
    As he took his last breath I said goodbye and told him I Loved him and envisioned he is now finally free and begining a new fantastic journey.
    I really hope when my Mother passes, that she will finally see the truth. In the mean time I will try to send her love and show her as much happiness and joy as I can. But I will have boundaries of protection as well.

  2. Charlene Says:

    You are NOT your mother and I love you. 🙂


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