The inception of this blog marked my desire to reunite with my soul mate.
I have done ritual. I have done therapy, prayer and vision boards…and yet he has not appeared.
There has been a block, an obstacle an impediment to this reunification. And in earnest desire I have asked the god/goddess/the universe/my higher self to please reveal this barrier that I may heal.
And yet all that came up in therapy was anger towards my dad. Really, again…I mean haven’t I done enough work on my father issues. I have spent more money on therapy only to come up with the same issue. It is quite tiring to ask different questions and yet keep coming up with the same answer.
And yet there it was…the elephant in the room…I still have so much anger at my father. I thought I had forgiven him when he came out to see my sister after her cancer diagnosis..but no I am still angry.
Why, why was I still so angry? I am tired of being angry at my father. In our culture anger is something negative, makes you less than, stunts you emotionally.
But what I have come to learn is that anger serves an important function. Anger is a marker and what it marks is that there is still something that has yet to be discovered by the conscious mind, that is the key to the healing process.
This past week my father and my half-brother, along with his new wife and six month old son took a road trip out to visit various people. My sister and I were one of the stops.
My father stayed behind with me while my brother went on to Ventura.
My brother called Monday afternoon to let my father know that the car had broken down and he would be delayed in picking him up.
I was working out of my mother’s home that day, but working none the less.
My father asked me if I would drive him to Ventura. I said no. It was not necessary. It was either the battery or the starter. I got online found a Pep boys within a mile of where the car.
The other thing to note is that my brother was in the town where he grew up, surrounded by aunts, uncles, cousins and friends that he grew up with.
There was no need for my father to be driven up..it’s not like he could work on the car and there was no dire emergency.
When I said no he asked me if he should ask my sister. Absolutely not I said. This is the same sister who has cancer, is undergoing cancer treatments twice a week, and has three kids.
The drive back for both my sister and I would be about three hours.
I was astounded that he could even ask us to so disrupt our lives and inconvenience us, WHEN THERE WAS NO REAL EMERGENCY, my brother is a 32-year-old man, who was in the airforce for eight years, with a wife and a child. He should be quite capable of handling a dead battery on his own without my father holding his hand.
At one point my father even said, that he would already have been in Ventura if not for me. I could not believe what I was hearing.
And this anger, this anger that I have been feeling for the past few months, that I was trying to ignore, repress, hoped would go away…rose to the surface like a once dormant volcano now alive and in full force.
The next day when my father asked me how many times did he need to apologize for the things he did when married to my mother, the volcano erupted. It is not about the past. I have had enough therapy to deal with the past.
It is about the present. It is about what happened the day before. It is about the fact that he had been willing to disrupt my life and my sister for his son, the golden child.
You see my father financially abandoned us at the ages of 14 and 16, when the divorce occured…..and emotionally abandoned us when his son was born, less than a year later. Two years later he moved to Ventura and eventually moved out of state.
So, you see it was not so much about the past, but the fact that nothing had changed in the present.
My father was chosing his son over his daughters yet again.
My father would choose his mistresses over his wife and daughters.
There is a common theme that runs throughout all of my relationships and that is that my boyfriends, lovers and even my ex-husband have all put a job, relative or other woman before me. I was the second choice, not the first, certainly not the priority.
I have a girlfriend that many times has said to me, ” Do not make someone a priority in your life when you are only an option in theirs”…..God how I have hated her for saying that.
And it was in the midst of that volcanic eruption when I called my father out on his behavior that the “aha” occurred and I finally connected my father’s behaviors and treatment with the men that I had chosen.
The answer that I had been seeking was finally revealed.
Classic psychology…. I picked men who treated me like my father because I wanted to win and be the chosen one. But it never works that way..you never win that game.
But that “aha” moment was the win. I chose ME. … I chose ME…I chose ME.
It is my hope that in realizing this I can let go of this subconscious desire to be the chosen one of two and that I can finally meet the man who will pick me just because I am ME………