The Depression Monster Strikes…..

Depression reared its ugly head this morning.  The alarm went off at 10:00 am and I could not bring myself to get out of bed.  Just a few more minutes, I thought and then I would get up…….and so I lay there….I thought about the past……I thought about recent events……and I prayed,…… “this is the day the lord has made,let me be glad and rejoice.”  But there was no rejoicing.  There was only the blackness that I was feeling in my soul.  I lay in bed and said Hoʻoponopono (ho-o-pono-pono) is an ancient Hawaiian practice of reconciliation and forgiveness.  I said it for the last relationship I was involved in, “Please forgive me, I am sorry, Thank you, I love you.”  I lay there and I prayed, “Dear God, please remove any psychic, emotional ties to JSB–set him free and set me free.”

This depression did not make a sudden appearance.  No, not at all.  He had been lurking around-hiding in the recesses of my psyche waiting for a moment of weakness to strike me at the knees and leave me unable to move.

I have fought him and have fought looking into the dark abyss that I know as my depression.  But today there was no fight in me.  He caught me.

I finally got out of bed and the clock said 12 noon.  12 noon, really!!!!  It only felt like a few minutes maybe half an hour at the most.  I had to get out of bed there was much to do.  The farmers market would be over by the time I made it there.  I dragged myself out of bed to start the beginning of a day that was already half over.

The other evening Rick Springfield was on Dr. Oz talking about his depression.  I have often thought how is it possible to be depressed when you have all that success and money?  At the very least you could afford good doctors to fix it.  Dr. Oz showed a brain scan of a normal brain and of a depressed brain.  The depressed brain was mostly blue as opposed to the normal brain which had lots of yellow and red areas.  There were a couple of really dark blue patches on the brain and Rick Springfield said, those really dark patches were where the music came from.

I can relate to that.  Much art is born from the pain and angst of the artist re-expressing itself as music or poetry or paintings, etc.

But I have not written a song or a poem in about two months.   Out of pain I can write–I can create.  But with the depression it is a different kind of pain.  This is a pain that comes as a numbness to life.  The perception is that there is nothing–a big zero.  It is like being in a vacuum or abyss in which nothing penetrates–there is no sound-no light-no love-no nothing.

I know that my life has been blessed in so many ways but when this monsters appears at my door none of it matters.

I made it to the farmers market by 1:00 PM and they close at 1:30 PM.  I found many of the items I wanted except for the purple carrots–I was too late.

My next stop was Whole Foods Market.  I actually had a lovely conversation with a woman demonstrating facial products.  This made me feel a bit better, although I think I may have shared too much information about my life with her.  I have always been that way–will talk to a total stranger about anything including my life.  Ha-it’s no wonder I am doing a blog.  She made me promise to go to the beach.

So after Trader Joe’s I went to the beach.  Since I did not have my dog with me I decided to go to a different stretch of beach.  The beach is where I find God and solace.  But today even that was a challenge for me.

The sand felt wonderful against my bare feet-it wasn’t too hot and it wasn’t cold.  It was warm and squishy.

As I walked along the shore breathing in the ocean air the wet sand glistened with gold dust.  I do not know what the specks are or why it makes the sand glisten with gold but it was a delight to see the sand sparkling in the sun radiating golden sparkles.  This stretch of beach had sea shells.  Beautiful shells the treasures of the ocean.  I collect rocks and shells and I may as well have found sapphires and rubies.  I perused the sand hunting for treasure.  I found six little beauties to add to my collection.  And as I went about collecting I started to notice not only the treasures of the ocean by the trash left by humans.  I shook my head in dismay as I thought that life is like this.  Some of the people we meet are treasures to be collected and kept in the heart, while some people are just trash and we are supposed to walk past them and leave them behind as a bitter-sweet memory.  The problems come when we confuse the trash for treasure.

This has been a year in which I thought I was receiving gems and treasure but when I looked in my heart all I had was trash.

As this year is coming to a close I acknowledge that it has not turned out as I had anticipated.  I put my dreams aside to help someone pursue their dream and was left with nothing.  It has been one wild goose chase after another.  I have been in survival mode for the past few months.  I want to get beyond surviving and move into thriving.

This monster, this depression is here so that I can acknowledge the hurts, the disappoints, the disappointing people and in that acknowledgement hopefully move beyond the barriers that keep me from moving forward.

I am looking forward to 2013 as a fresh start to resume the goals I had laid aside at the start of 2012.

27 Responses to “The Depression Monster Strikes…..”

  1. radaronelson Says:

    I know that monster all too well. Being diagnosed clinically depressed myself, it can be very difficult some days to get out of bed. All I want to do is sleep but responsibilities force me up. It’s hard to deal with when heartache and pain, life’s problems remind you of everything that is wrong but I also know it can be beat. It can be overcome. There are good days and bad and some day there will be more good than bad. From the little I know about you, you have had an amazing life and I know, though today the beast may have been present you will overcome it and have many good days ahead.

  2. howanxious Says:

    I’m glad you’re looking forward to a better tomorrow. Take Care!

  3. ramblingsfromamum Says:

    Hi Ivonne I follow Paula at maybe you could pop in and take a look at blog site? I gave her an affirmation Hello, Brand New Day – I Am In Control & You Will NOT Beat Me!!!! I hope that you do attain your goals in 2013. It seems from what I have read from you, that you have been so badly hurt in the past, you can’t foresee a happy future? I hope you can, for you writing is what brings others joy and this shall open a path for you. Take Care **hugs**

  4. evensongs Says:

    Ivonne, Thanks for sharing. You’ll find a number of songs on my blog that talk about the “black dog”.

    A small world….. I grew up about 5 miles from where Rick Springfield was born in South Wentworthville (a suburb of Sydney) and was a fan of the band Zoot in which he played ( I even have a vinyl LP recording of his album “Success Hasn’t Spoiled Me Yet”. Small world.

    Thanks again.

  5. Beth Says:

    Adore your honesty. You have a new reader 🙂

  6. Gyption Says:

    I hope a fresh start for your soul comes soon sweetie. Heart breaking to think of you feeling depressed, but I can relate very well. Never hesitate to reach out

  7. tauromaja Says:

    Oh boy, have I been there.

    I think in a sense you are more angry at yourself for having put aside your dreams. I don’t know the context but this is what I imagine. I just recently got over an ex who I thought was “The One” and it took his trying to make me writhe with jealously to understand that it wasn’t meant to be. It sucks, I know. But as the Buddhists say, “if you wish to stop suffering, stop desiring.”

    Good luck.

  8. simplystriving Says:

    Don’t you just love the new mercies available for tomorrow? Lamentations 3:21-24…

    Thank you for being so real…it affects more than we realize.

    May you sense His embrace and feel the way He pursues you today…
    All for Him with hugs to you,

  9. Girl Please! Says:

    The Devil is a lie. So the next time he show up tell him that. This is the day the Lord has made and rejoice in it call on him. Praying God give you strength.

  10. sakuraandme Says:

    I understand exactly how your feeling!!
    I have a great life but depression holds no prejudice!!
    When it’s got you in it’s grips it holds no mercy…So we wait and do our best until it releases it’s hold on us. *smiles*
    As for that god damned bed!!! swallows us if we let it! Lol xx

  11. Arman Says:

    Reblogged this on Corporate Skirts and commented:
    Loved this blog, especially since I know with the end of the year, a lot of people I know and me included will look back on some parts of the year and some of the choices we have made and wish that we hadn’t made them. We will wish that we could go back and change the decisions, maybe even take a completely different path in life.

    But in the here and now is the ‘me’ that was shaped by everything that I have been through this year. Would I be the same ‘me’ had I not fought the monsters in my closet? Had I not confronted my fears? Had I not lost out in some relationships? Lost a bit more faith because of the trash that people leave behind? And gained some more faith in myself for my ability to get through those days?

    I didn’t go through this journey alone. I went on that journey with my friends, with colleagues, with complete strangers that I had shared precious moments with. I went through that journey in different places in different countries. I achieved some of my dreams, ticked off some of the items on my bucket list. When life knocked me down on my knees, I took the opportunity to pray. I gained as much as I lost or maybe more, after all I am still standing at the end of the year, looking back and thinking that I had a good run.

  12. writerwannabe763 Says:

    I can so identify with what you are going through even though I have finally come out of my ‘darkness’ which is how I refer to that time in my life living with depression. I went through most of my adult life with it coming in and out of my life. There are many reasons for depression and many different kinds …but the results are mostly the same as what you are feeling…not wanting to get out of bed, or bother with everyday things which unfortunately we have to somehow manage to do. It sounds as though a failed relationship has been a factor for you.

    I would just like to encourage you that with help and the knowledge that God is alongside of you throughout this time and He won’t let you go….I’ll be including you in my prayers that you will find your way out of your darkness. I do hope you have some help. With me the help of a doctor that did CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and the fact that she was a GP and a Christian is what finally helped me….but that’s not to say that’s what you need. But I do hope that you have someone…Thinking of you….Diane

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