The past couple of months I have been experiencing flashbacks. No not hot flashes, but flashbacks defined by Merriam Webster as :
1-a recession of flame to an unwanted position (as into a blowpipe)
2 a : interruption of chronological sequence (as in a film or literary work) by interjection of events of earlier occurrence; also : an instance of flashback
b : a past incident recurring vividly in the mind
So what have I been having flashbacks on? The answer is incidents/events that occurred while I was having a relationship with the sociopath. I could be going through my facebook feed and read something random about NPD which will trigger a thought, or I could be checking site stats here on WordPress and see that some of “those posts” had been read by someone or I check the word searches that have led people to my blog and I see his name + sociopath and I start to wonder why is someone looking up his name + sociopath. Is it a new target? Will She contact me? Or I could be driving and a random thought just enters the brain. Or does it? Is this random or is there some underlying reason I am thinking about these things now? When I first wrote that story I was nowhere near understanding or healing. The first few posts were just about getting the information and the feelings out there into cyber space. It was writing born out of confusion and hurt. I read those posts and it is as if they happened to someone else. And they did. I am no longer the woman in those stories. As I read those posts or flash on event I am seeing it through a different lens, a different perspective. This time around I know about the sociopathic pathology. I can clearly see where and how I was manipulated by this person. And there is no anger, and there is no hurt. There is only knowledge and understanding of what happened. And it bores me. My own story bores me. Who this man is bores me. He is nothing more than a fictional character created out of the dark recesses of his distorted brain. His whole life and successes nothing more than the fictions of a sociopath created to appease narcissistic delusions.
When you have intimately known a narcissistic sociopath and you research and learn to aid the healing process you reach a point where you able to recognize the sociopaths around you. It does not mean you don’t get fooled or used by these people. It means that you are able to recognize the red flags and manipulations. As it turns out 4 months ago I wound up training a new female performer who it turns out it is a sociopath. Female narcs are slightly different from male narcs but I won’t go into that here as I stated previously the narcs around me bore me. I will just say that we are no longer working together and she refused to return $300.00 worth of equipment for no good reason. As if a narc needs a good reason to do anything. But it’s like getting sucker punched and you are like, “shit it happened again.” And they knock the wind out of you. And you have to decide how much do you want to continue to engage with this person? What’s worth more, the $300.00 or my sanity and energy? I have chosen the latter as I have far more positive projects to work on.