Flashbacks

flashback 1

 

The past couple of months I have been experiencing flashbacks. No not hot flashes, but flashbacks defined by Merriam Webster as :

1-a recession of flame to an unwanted position (as into a blowpipe)

2 a :  interruption of chronological sequence (as in a film or literary work) by interjection of events of earlier occurrence; also :  an instance of flashback

b :  a past incident recurring vividly in the mind[1]

So what have I been having flashbacks on?  The answer is incidents/events that occurred while I was having a relationship with the sociopath.  I could be going through my facebook feed and read something random about NPD which will trigger a thought, or I could be checking site stats here on WordPress and see that some of “those posts” had been read by someone or I check the word searches that have led people  to my blog and I see his name + sociopath and I start to wonder why is someone looking up his name + sociopath.  Is it a new target? Will She contact me?  Or I could be driving and a random thought just enters the brain.  Or does it? Is this random or is there some underlying reason I am thinking about these things now?  When I first wrote that story I was nowhere near understanding or healing.  The first few posts were just about getting the information and the feelings out there into cyber space.  It was writing born out of confusion and hurt.  I read those posts and it is as if they happened to someone else.  And they did. I am no longer the woman in those stories. As I read those posts or flash on event I am seeing it through a different lens, a different perspective.  This time around I know about the sociopathic pathology. I can clearly see where and how I was manipulated by this person. And there is no anger, and there is no hurt.  There is only knowledge and understanding of what happened.  And it bores me. My own story bores me.  Who this man is bores me.  He is nothing more than a fictional character created out of the dark recesses of his distorted brain. His whole life and successes nothing more than the fictions of a sociopath created to appease narcissistic delusions.

When you have intimately known a narcissistic sociopath and you research and learn to aid the healing process you reach a point where you able to recognize the sociopaths around you. It does not mean you don’t get fooled or used by these people. It means that you are able to recognize the red flags and manipulations.  As it turns out 4 months ago I wound up training a new female performer who it turns out it is a sociopath.  Female narcs are slightly different from male narcs but I won’t go into that here as I stated previously the narcs around me bore me.  I will just say that we are no longer working together and she refused to return $300.00 worth of equipment for no good reason.  As if a narc needs a good reason to do anything.  But it’s like getting sucker punched and you are like, “shit it happened again.”  And they knock the wind out of you.  And you have to decide how much do you want to continue to engage with this person?  What’s worth more, the $300.00 or my sanity and energy?  I have chosen the latter as I have far more positive projects to work on.

 

 narc baby meme

[1] http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/flashback

8 Responses to “Flashbacks”

  1. Paula Says:

    Absolutely!! Our sanity is worth far more than any amount of money or “things” a sociopath has taken from us. No need to fight to get it back; when we do that, we’re no better than the narc abuser. Instead, we use the energy we would have used to battle the sociopath toward good, toward helping others, toward growing, toward creating joy. All other endeavors are drama and just what the sociopath needs to feed. Why invite the sociopaths among us to suck on us? 🙂

  2. Sex, Spirit, Soul Mates and Chocolate....Ivonne's Journey Says:

    I agree and I am a fighter by nature so to walk away from a fight is not in my nature but given all the goals I have at the moment dealing with a sociopath is just not worth it at the moment. And maybe that’s how they appear to win. The only other thing I will pursue is informing the companies I work with of this person and give them a heads up in case she contacts them. Too many other more postitve projects on my plate than a sociopath. At least now I can figure it out sooner instead of later.

  3. diahannreyes Says:

    Yes- w/some people the only way to stay in our power is to disengage. Good for you for taking care of yourself.

    • Sex, Spirit, Soul Mates and Chocolate....Ivonne's Journey Says:

      A sociopath will stir up trouble just because they can and have nothing better to do. Not worth the time and effort to deal with this person. I’d rather take a financial loss than time loss. I hate being so passive about it not my nature but maybe I have just gotten wiser and chosing my battles differently.

  4. Lynda Malerstein Says:

    In retrospect, were there signs early on that you just didn’t notice but are aware of now?

    • Sex, Spirit, Soul Mates and Chocolate....Ivonne's Journey Says:

      In reference to the performer–yes but you excuse it because they are new and still learning–after awhile you see that it is a pattern of behavior you are looking at.

      In reference to the ex-relationship it’s more of seeing what it really was with a new set of eyes, and not a broken heart.

  5. Shannygirl Says:

    I suffer from “triggers” that induce flashbacks quite often. It can be a word, a phrase or even a body gesture. It’s hard to not react when it happens because it’s usually a knee jerk reaction to it. The worse one’s are the one’s that come in the dreams.

    • Sex, Spirit, Soul Mates and Chocolate....Ivonne's Journey Says:

      I believe now that those flashbacks are because the subconsious is ready for healing to take place and those thoughts and old feelings just start to bubble up to the surface mind so we can see it and work with it.


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