Acceptance or Resignation……..


lavendar crone 2

 

These are the two words that have been  drifting through my consciousness for the past few months.

Accept by  definition means to accommodate or reconcile oneself in regards to a situation whereas resignation means the act of resigning a submissive attitude state or state.  These words seem so similar in meaning yet acceptance seems to me to be more “go with the flow” while resignation implies a sense of quitting –a giving up.

So the question begs to be asked have I accepted the now or have I merely resigned myself to the fact the life I had dreamed on will never be?

Since mid November I have been unpacking, moving putting away, throwing out and re-evaluating every aspect of my life.  I love the house I have moved into.  It’s huge and spacious.  If I could take this house and plop it beach side I would be in heaven. But I miss the ocean.  Is this it for me?  I dreamed on living in a house on the beach and drifting off to sleep to the sounds of the ocean waves crashing on the shore and I am living in the desert in the middle of nowhere and in the evenings I am lulled by the sounds of the frog community that lives in the empty lot next to my home.  I am not someone who just randomly moves. I lived in Long Beach for seven years, before that I lived in the valley in the same apt for 15 years.  I tend to stay put so other than winning the lottery and becoming an instant millionaire and buying that  beach house I will be out here for quite a while.  So, yes I have been wondering is this the end of the line for me?  Do I die in the desert rather than ocean side?

 

It is not just the move that has me reflecting but the reflection I see staring back at me in the mirror.                                  ivonne mirror

 

And I’m not talking about age as in getting old but age as in wow yesterday I was only 25 years old where did the time and my dreams go?

 

So you see, it’s not about “aging” but about the dreams that have gone unfulfilled and that most likely will never get fulfilled and so they start to fade from memory like a classical film becomes faded and torn with time.

I look at the vision board that sits on the corner of my bedroom floor and all I want to shout at it LIAR-LIAR -LIAR!!!!  I created that vision board about the time I started this blog.

That vision board hung in my bedroom in Long Beach.  I would look at it upon awakening and before going to bed.  I had so many dreams just five years ago and I was still hopeful that they would come to pass.

As I look upon the images which were carefully chosen and placed on the board I have to accept/resign that some of those dreams have faded into nothingness.  Five-seven years ago I was still hopeful of meeting someone and starting a family. Even if I meet someone tomorrow and a relationship developed I don’t think it would be possible to start a family.  And even if it were possible for me at the age of 52 or older to have a child, would I even want to at this age?

But the dream of child and family carries with it the ways I would have celebrated Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter and all the holidays.  Gone are the dinners that will not get cooked, the cookies that will not get baked and the mother’s day cards I have always yearned for.

Ok so maybe the age factor is playing a bit into all of this contemplation.  My body is changing and not in a good way.  When I was younger I used to say that I looked forward to menopause because my periods were so painful and now as I sit at the precipice I am not so sure I am ready.  There is a line that is crossed at menopause and nothing says old lady more than the onset of menopause.  Truthfully I can’t even say that I have crossed over into that phase of life but it certainly has been on my mind lately.  I do not have any of the classic symptoms of menopause.

“Symptoms of menopause can include abnormal vaginal bleeding, hot flashes, vaginal and urinary symptoms, and mood changes.”[1] Yes, my periods have gotten sporadic but they still occur.

Crone mother is knocking at the door waiting to be invited in but how can I let her know when there is still so much that I yearn for, long for? I look at the face in the mirror and I ask, “Who are you? ” Why do you torment me when I want to hang onto dreams that will never be?”

 

Hecate 2

 

And she responds by the glistening appearance of silver in my hair.  I have not dyed my hair in months.  I want to know what she knows.  I want to know what my real hair color looks like under the remnants of the last dye job.  Truthfully I am tired of the effort it takes to color my hair.  What is the point of looking younger than I am?  You see coloring the hair is almost like telling a little white lie (yes pun intended).  It allows me and you to pretend that I am a different version of me.  And each time I color my hair and the dye goes down the bathroom sink I wonder where does it go? Out to the ocean?  Am I polluting my beloved ocean merely for the sake of vanity?

Yemaya and Crone Mother are knocking at my door waiting to be let in.  But how can I allow the crone to enter when mother I have not been?  A maiden I have been. And maidens become mothers which ultimately transform the feminine into divine wisdom. I do not know if I am ready.  I hear them but chose to ignore them in my silence.

A friend said I will look older if I allow the grey to be.  A fellow actor said I might book more.  I think there is a peace that women achieve when they reach the stage where they open the door to the wisdom of the Crone.  I am not there yet.  I want to be all moved in with everything in its proper place. Furniture fixed and painted and looking new, well at least looking matched. I’d like to see the art back up on the walls but there is this fatigue that overcomes me.

I have had health issues since October 2013. I have lost my sense of taste and smell or rather I have a distorted sense of taste and smell–which has limited what I can eat. And I have this constant fatigue-that never seems to go away. My right hand is slightly crippled from the dog bite and a couple of months ago I slammed the same right hand with the car door. My middle finger is still swollen and not totally healed.  So you see there is much that keeps me from entertaining Mother Crone.  But she is there like a shadowy ghost beckoning me, to follow her to take the leap for what follows next in my life.

Is there an in between for me that can fill the gap of non-motherhood. Can I redefine Mother Crone into a Wisdom Goddess that truly reflects who I am and who I have been?

white haired goddess2

 

So I have to wonder have I resigned myself that certain dreams will never be or am I accepting that life has many stages and the time has come to move on?

[1] http://www.medicinenet.com/menopause/article.htm accessed on June 28 2014

 

Lisa remembered and wisdom from the beyond.


Lisa_Scarf_object

 

While working on post for the myveganheartblog I came across a video that my friend Lisa uploaded to YouTube before she passed away, ” Things You Learn About People and Life While Dealing with Cancer.”

Before Lisa died she wrote a letter to be read at her memorial service. One of the things she said was that she would try to make contact with us if she could.  Maybe this is her way of letting me know she is close by.  I watched the video just so I could hear her voice again and see her.

It’s a short video and she talks about her fight with skin cancer and what she has learned about the people in her life since her illness.  She has a lot of wisdom.  You should watch the video.

 

 

And you can read my post of Lisa here:

 

 

Ode to Lisa


Yesterday, one of God‘s angels, Lisa Haze was called back to  heaven.

She was a dear and beloved friend who lost her battle with cancer.  The funny thing about Lisa is that she never let on how seriously ill she was.  I got a clue last March when we were in Malaysia together  and she gave me pages of notes on her medications and doctors.

But being sick didn’t stop her from dreaming or planning for the future.

Lisa is one of those rare-good people who you are blessed to meet  in your life.  She called her company, “Happiness Unlimited” because she just wanted everybody to be happy.  I don’t think I ever heard her raise her voice or be angry at anyone.

She was a gentle soul.

And one classy lady.

We would go to the “theatre” dressed to the nines.

Lisa was the definition of classy.

She had that golden-era Hollywood glamour of days gone by.

Her birthday was Nov 23 mine on Dec 1.  We are both Sagittarius and we would go to Disneyland to celebrate our birthday’s  together.

She was a dear friend, a confident and my cohort.  She was the one with me and my friend Jeannette on the beach at midnight making offerings to Yemaya, Yoruba Goddess of love and fertility in exchange for meeting our soul mates.

She had the voice of an angel.  http://soundcloud.com/msmontijo/lisa-haze

In her younger days she had a recording contract with Sony.  She was in three bands, The California Girls, The Skallywagz, and Lisa Haze & The Dr. Bones Band.  She traveled the world performing and singing.

We had plans to do music together.  I was going to  write the songs and she was going to sing them.   Today she is singing with the angels and traveling through infinity.  Lisa I was honored to know you and call you my friend.

I miss you already………..

 

the ministers son……


 

I have recently been blogging about my first love, the magician but in order to talk about my first love we really have to go further back in time and to another place.

The year was 1964 and the place Puerto Rico.  I was only three years old and he was about eight or ten years old.  Neither my memory or mother‘s can recall all the details such as our actual ages but certain of the details are as clear as they day they occurred.

My first love was the minister’s son and I was only three years old.  …..

To continue reading go to, The Illusionist by Ivonne Montijo on amazon.com

 

bookcover-kindle-70-percent-jan-223-4-pm

 

World Wide amazon links here.

 

the magician part three….Happy Birthday Wizard


My romance with the magician started out innocently.

I was a young and naive 18-year-old girl.  It was an innocent summer of hanging out together –learning about magic and “real” magic.  He was always taking about real magic and being a real wizard.  He talked about karma and reincarnation and other words that were foreign to me and were not in my vernacular.  My background was the dogma and rituals of the Catholic Church.  He was talking metaphysics and spirituality.  He was opening the gateway for what would become a lifetime of learning.  He showed me an alternate universe and world that went beyond the parameters of traditional religiosity.  He gave me the book, Illusions, by Richard Bach, ( www.richardbach.com ) which would forever change my perspective.

The other thing that changed was that I went from being a girl to being a woman.

To continue reading go to, The Illusionist by Ivonne Montijo on amazon.com

 

World Wide amazon links here.

 

bookcover-kindle-70-percent-jan-223-4-pm

 

 

 

 

Birthday Party Magic! (thepartyconnection.wordpress.com)

…..love notes to my beloved…..dec 2009


…this morning I lay in bed…

warm tears streaming down my cheeks…

I cried for lost love…

I cried for lost possibilities…

I cried to empty my heart of all the pain…

of all the hurt…of all the sadness……

I cried to make my heart an empty vessel…

an empty vessel that will be filled with your love,

my beloved …

it is you I seek…

it is you I long for……

it is your touch and your embrace

that will fill me….

sustain me…

and carry me back into forever….

into eternity….

~♥ ivonne p montijo ♥~© 2012

written in Dec of 2009 …lest anyone think this is about them 😛

a short poem on abuse…..


in an ocean of tears

I contemplated my capacity for emotional abuse…

and then I realized who my teacher was

and how it was possible

to justify abuse in the name of love…..

these tears are not yours …

you were merely the mask they were hiding behind……

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