These are the two words that have been drifting through my consciousness for the past few months.
Accept by definition means to accommodate or reconcile oneself in regards to a situation whereas resignation means the act of resigning a submissive attitude state or state. These words seem so similar in meaning yet acceptance seems to me to be more “go with the flow” while resignation implies a sense of quitting –a giving up.
So the question begs to be asked have I accepted the now or have I merely resigned myself to the fact the life I had dreamed on will never be?
Since mid November I have been unpacking, moving putting away, throwing out and re-evaluating every aspect of my life. I love the house I have moved into. It’s huge and spacious. If I could take this house and plop it beach side I would be in heaven. But I miss the ocean. Is this it for me? I dreamed on living in a house on the beach and drifting off to sleep to the sounds of the ocean waves crashing on the shore and I am living in the desert in the middle of nowhere and in the evenings I am lulled by the sounds of the frog community that lives in the empty lot next to my home. I am not someone who just randomly moves. I lived in Long Beach for seven years, before that I lived in the valley in the same apt for 15 years. I tend to stay put so other than winning the lottery and becoming an instant millionaire and buying that beach house I will be out here for quite a while. So, yes I have been wondering is this the end of the line for me? Do I die in the desert rather than ocean side?
And I’m not talking about age as in getting old but age as in wow yesterday I was only 25 years old where did the time and my dreams go?
So you see, it’s not about “aging” but about the dreams that have gone unfulfilled and that most likely will never get fulfilled and so they start to fade from memory like a classical film becomes faded and torn with time.
I look at the vision board that sits on the corner of my bedroom floor and all I want to shout at it LIAR-LIAR -LIAR!!!! I created that vision board about the time I started this blog.
That vision board hung in my bedroom in Long Beach. I would look at it upon awakening and before going to bed. I had so many dreams just five years ago and I was still hopeful that they would come to pass.
As I look upon the images which were carefully chosen and placed on the board I have to accept/resign that some of those dreams have faded into nothingness. Five-seven years ago I was still hopeful of meeting someone and starting a family. Even if I meet someone tomorrow and a relationship developed I don’t think it would be possible to start a family. And even if it were possible for me at the age of 52 or older to have a child, would I even want to at this age?
But the dream of child and family carries with it the ways I would have celebrated Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter and all the holidays. Gone are the dinners that will not get cooked, the cookies that will not get baked and the mother’s day cards I have always yearned for.
Ok so maybe the age factor is playing a bit into all of this contemplation. My body is changing and not in a good way. When I was younger I used to say that I looked forward to menopause because my periods were so painful and now as I sit at the precipice I am not so sure I am ready. There is a line that is crossed at menopause and nothing says old lady more than the onset of menopause. Truthfully I can’t even say that I have crossed over into that phase of life but it certainly has been on my mind lately. I do not have any of the classic symptoms of menopause.
“Symptoms of menopause can include abnormal vaginal bleeding, hot flashes, vaginal and urinary symptoms, and mood changes.” Yes, my periods have gotten sporadic but they still occur.
Crone mother is knocking at the door waiting to be invited in but how can I let her know when there is still so much that I yearn for, long for? I look at the face in the mirror and I ask, “Who are you? ” Why do you torment me when I want to hang onto dreams that will never be?”
And she responds by the glistening appearance of silver in my hair. I have not dyed my hair in months. I want to know what she knows. I want to know what my real hair color looks like under the remnants of the last dye job. Truthfully I am tired of the effort it takes to color my hair. What is the point of looking younger than I am? You see coloring the hair is almost like telling a little white lie (yes pun intended). It allows me and you to pretend that I am a different version of me. And each time I color my hair and the dye goes down the bathroom sink I wonder where does it go? Out to the ocean? Am I polluting my beloved ocean merely for the sake of vanity?
Yemaya and Crone Mother are knocking at my door waiting to be let in. But how can I allow the crone to enter when mother I have not been? A maiden I have been. And maidens become mothers which ultimately transform the feminine into divine wisdom. I do not know if I am ready. I hear them but chose to ignore them in my silence.
A friend said I will look older if I allow the grey to be. A fellow actor said I might book more. I think there is a peace that women achieve when they reach the stage where they open the door to the wisdom of the Crone. I am not there yet. I want to be all moved in with everything in its proper place. Furniture fixed and painted and looking new, well at least looking matched. I’d like to see the art back up on the walls but there is this fatigue that overcomes me.
I have had health issues since October 2013. I have lost my sense of taste and smell or rather I have a distorted sense of taste and smell–which has limited what I can eat. And I have this constant fatigue-that never seems to go away. My right hand is slightly crippled from the dog bite and a couple of months ago I slammed the same right hand with the car door. My middle finger is still swollen and not totally healed. So you see there is much that keeps me from entertaining Mother Crone. But she is there like a shadowy ghost beckoning me, to follow her to take the leap for what follows next in my life.
Is there an in between for me that can fill the gap of non-motherhood. Can I redefine Mother Crone into a Wisdom Goddess that truly reflects who I am and who I have been?
So I have to wonder have I resigned myself that certain dreams will never be or am I accepting that life has many stages and the time has come to move on?
 http://www.medicinenet.com/menopause/article.htm accessed on June 28 2014
While working on post for the myveganheartblog I came across a video that my friend Lisa uploaded to YouTube before she passed away, ” Things You Learn About People and Life While Dealing with Cancer.”
Before Lisa died she wrote a letter to be read at her memorial service. One of the things she said was that she would try to make contact with us if she could. Maybe this is her way of letting me know she is close by. I watched the video just so I could hear her voice again and see her.
It’s a short video and she talks about her fight with skin cancer and what she has learned about the people in her life since her illness. She has a lot of wisdom. You should watch the video.
And you can read my post of Lisa here:
A couple of weeks ago I found myself with this incredible toothache on my next to last molar. I bit down on something (can not remember what I was eating) but this amazing pain just shot through my mouth. Great I thought, I hate the dentist. As a matter of fact I hate going to any doctor. I have to be in intolerable pain or practically dying before I will go to the doctors.
I thought I would not be able to avoid the dentist at this point. Granted I used a groupon to get my teeth whitened about a year ago. I will go to doctors for cosmetic work–but that is different-go figure. And I used a groupon to get an initial exam, x-rays and cleaning but when the dentist assistant comes out to tell me they recommend $5000.00 worth of work–I am thinking, “No, thank you.” Seriously if I had an extra $5000.00 laying around I could go to work. I most certainly would not get what I think is extraneous dental work.
So, explain to me how a crown works? You file down what is there of my tooth, to put a fake tooth cover over it–hmnn and this is supposed to help how? OH and a deep cleaning is $600.00, seriously. Hey I know most of the dentist in Los Angeles need to pay off their USC dental school bill but not on my wallet.
When you don’t have health or dental insurance and all costs are out of pocket you think twice about what a dentist or doctor recommends.
Like, I said no thank you. As long as I can eat and I have no pain I am fine.
Well now there is a pain. Now what do I do? Well, I look up USC dental school and check their rates. If this is a root canal job it will cost about $400.00. Great I have two puppies on the way, business has been slow I do not need $400.00 to just fly out of my bank account.
And my mother is out-of-town so I can’t do anything till she gets back so she can drive me in the event I need to be put under. So in the meantime I start looking into dental plans and how to manage the pain until I can make an appointment.
I go to Target and buy some Orajel for baby teething pain. It’s a little gel that numbs the gums. It tastes kind of funny but it does work to ease the pain and the throbbing. I also take Tylenol and napoxim sodium as well. Between the jel and the pills I manage the pain.
The other thing I am doing is only eating on the left side of my mouth. Did you know that the natural thing to do when chewing is to alternate between one side of the mouth and the other? I did not know that. As a matter of fact I never really gave it much thought to how I ate only how much I ate. So, yes it does take concentrated effort to only eat on one side of the mouth. Try it the next time you have a meal and only chew on one side. Interesting isn’t it.
I also started using an antiseptic mouthwash as well. And my friend Mayr had recommended Neems Mouthwash.
Yes, they have the mouth wash and I also get a liquid clove herbal extract. You are supposed to put 15-20 drops in a liter of water, really that much water. Well I take a shoot glass of water and use about 5 drops of water.
There other thing I did was to start using a soft-head tooth brush so that I could massage the gums around the painful tooth. It has been about two weeks since I have been using the regime of mouth wash morning and evening and the clove extract in the mornings. The other thing I have been doing is Dr. Joe’s Dispenza’s guided meditation. And guess what I have no more pain.
So today I bought the Neems toothpaste and will be adding that to my work out along with starting a guided meditation series on total health from Dr. Depok Chopra and Oprah, 21 day Meditation Challenge: Total Health.
I believe the mind and spirit can heal the physical body. The other thing I have done is to stop taking my thyroid medication and I am using a Thyroid Support Supplement to get my thyroid back in balance. I am still alive so I am guessing that so far that is ok but I look forward to working with the meditation series to work on the thyroid as well.
I have done traditional therapy and found that for me doesn’t work so well. I have had more success with hypnotherapy, reiki and other alternative therapies.
But my mainstay, the core of my healing comes from my writing and reading the works of others. Any kind of problem I have ever had I figure there is a book on the subject so books are always my number one go to source.
This blog has been a tremendous source of healing for me both in what I have written-which is often cathartic and what I read of others.
The keyboard is my therapist and the words that come onto the page are the feelings, emotions, ideas both from the conscious mind and the subconscious mind. Some people write, save a draft, re-edit and then publish and maybe I should do that but I find in most of my writing that my first draft is often the most authentic and most infused with art and inspiration.
I do not know what writers block is. When I do not write it is because I do not have time not because I do not have ideas. I breathe and thus ideas are on going process that fill the day and distract from the mundane activities which allow me to pay the bills and feed my babies.
But yes ideas are ongoing all the time filling my mind with each and every breath that I take. Some make it to the page and some do not but with each word you have a piece of my soul, or my heart, or my mind or my thoughts. Who I am is in the words–even fictional characters are bits and pieces of who I am . So my words are not just my words, they are me–they are who I am and they are symbols of who I am. And as long as I am not in the midst of a rage each word, each syllable is a perfectly thought out nuance the first time it is written down.
Words heal and words can hurt–I know I am a Sagittarius and I have been told that my cutthroat honesty at times can be a bit much. A word to the wise, I say, “do not ask me a question if you don’t want my honest answer.”
If it were not for the black ink that runs through my veins to create the words on paper I probably would have died long ago by the need to be seen, to be heard to be made visible.
So writing and reading are what makes me sane and whole.
The most recent book I have read that I have referenced in my post, The Face of Narcissism is,
“Women Who Love Psycopaths” by Sandra L. Brown This has been an amazing book and really helped me to see the big picture regarding my romantic relationships and the connections to my family.
And then you tell yourself now what? Where do I go from here? How do I take the information I have just realized about the continuum of my life and move forward to the destiny that I have always dreamed about it, longed for and desired?
Buddha said that when the student is ready the teacher appears. And apparently he did in the form of a book. The teacher is Dr. Joe Dispenza and his book, Breaking the habit of being yourself : how to lose your mind and create a new one .
Book Description from Amazon Books:
“You are not doomed by your genes and hardwired to be a certain way for the rest of your life. A new science is emerging that empowers all human beings to create the reality they choose. In Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself, renowned author, speaker, researcher, and chiropractor Dr. Joe Dispenza combines the fields of quantum physics, neuroscience, brain chemistry, biology, and genetics to show you what is truly possible.
Not only will you be given the necessary knowledge to change any aspect of yourself, but you will be taught the step-by-step tools to apply what you learn in order to make measurable changes in any area of your life. Dr. Joe demystifies ancient understandings and bridges the gap between science and spirituality. Through his powerful workshops and lectures, thousands of people in 24 different countries have used these principles to change from the inside out. Once you break the habit of being yourself and truly change your mind, your life will never be the same!”
This is an amazing books which goes beyond the idea of positive thinking and the law of attraction and utilizes science to explain the brain/body connection and how those connections create feelings, create emotions, create hormones which affect our frequency which creates our lives. I am not through the whole book yet. As you can see from the description it is not the kind of book that you can get through in one sitting.
Yes, this book has been very instrumental in my healing path. It is the final piece of the puzzle which makes sense of all the other books, videos etc… I have read on changing my life and healing and the laws of attraction, affirmations etc…etc……
I love neuroscience. I am fascinated by how the brain works and the interrelatedness of the conscious, subconscious the body and the final output the world we create for ourselves.
This is where I have been putting my focus on for the past couple of months, add to that the music classes I am taking, my job, preparing for the two new puppies and my plate is pretty full.
I know that a certain post have led some to think that I am somehow stuck in my life but rest assured I am not. I move forward every day trying to create/achieve a better more fulfilled version of me but in order to do that I am somewhat analytical sometimes overly analytical and that might appear as a obession. I am like a pit bull (which by the way are very sweet dogs) when I bite into something I don’t let go of it until I figure it all out.
When I feel like, ” Oh I get it now, I understand it, I realize why that happened or this happened” that is when I can let go of something and move on to the next issue that rises forth from the subconscious for healing. When I feel that I have completely processed all that I need to process to move on then and only then can I let go of something. That is when healing occurs. And it is a process that only be guaged by the self not anyone else. And healing is this ever ongoing process that never really ends in life. So if you are alive guaranteed there is something to be worked on.
If you have been in relationship with a psychopath I male or female I highly recommend Brown’s book.
If you just want to change your life and have tools to manifest your divine destiny may I suggest Dr. Joes book.
Happy reading!!!!! And writing since anyone reading this is also a writer 🙂
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