Pandora’s Box…the effects of therapy….



The lid to the Pandora’s box of my psyche had been lifted and opened during my last set’s of therapy.

Hence, why I have not posted in a while because I have been processing.

Therapy can get redundant. I mean I go in this time to figure out what are the underlying-subconscious issues that are sabotaging my fertility and little did I expect for the same old-shit to come up.

Really, I just paid $800.00 (no heath insurance) to discover that I still have repressed anger at my dad, my mom, really?!!!!!

You’ve got to be kidding me. No, we are not kidding.  Anger, sadness, guilt-you name it, festers in the body, usually becomes some kind of cancer or dis-ease if not lived, experienced and purged from the body.

Turning the other cheek really does not work.  You can’t just let something go until you really feel all the hurt that belies the anger-guilt frustration etc…  If you are not feeling the love there is hurt somewhere that needs to be released.

But it was not childhood anger that I was feeling. It is recent anger from just four years ago. 

And maybe I will post my exposé/anger/grief in another post, but for now we will skip the details because they could incriminate me.

And to be fair and democratic mother is not guiltless either, but we will save that for the book.

Let’s just say I have spent the past couple of months reliving-remembering-releasing and most importantly realizing.

I realized I was tired, so damn tired.  Tired of being hurt.  Tired of being angry.  Tired of being physically tired because of all these emotions that were weighting-yes weighting me down (yet another future post).

I decided I was just done.  I have had enough. I am done giving my money away for therapy to always come up with the same answer–that I am still feeling hurt over something my mother-father-brother-ex-lover-ex-husband-ex-friend–you name it said or did to me.

I just got tired writing that.  That was the realization.

That is when I realized the meaning of “release and let go” as written about by great sages and mystics.  What Jesus really meant by “turning the other cheek”, what Buddha meant by not having “your emotions control you”.

If you hold onto the anger, the only person you really hurt is yourself.

And life goes on, and the people around you go on and yet there you are stuck in the muck and mire of your mind.

How many times, have we not read or at least I have read about forgiveness, releasing and letting go.

Funny thing is that this is not an intellectual idea.  I have always gotten it intellectually but I never felt it before.

It is hard to describe just what this feeling is. All I can say is that I was tired of being tired and hurt and in that moment a burden was lifted and I was compelled to book a trip to Hawaii instead (with my mom no less), I think to learn more about the healing practice of Ho’Opono… be continued

Pro-Life or Pro-Choice Part Five…guilt and grief.

Hypnotherapy is not what you imagine it to be.

I knew that physically my body was ready for a baby, that if I had gotten to the point of embryo it would have implanted.

So, what had gone wrong?  I very much believe in the mind-body connection and I began to question what had I missed.

In my research, in my fertility make-over what had I missed.

My miscarriage a year and half ago brought to the surface lots of repressed anger and guilt.  and Hence the previous posts on abortion because I knew they were all connected.

One day while looking for a c.d, a hypnosis c.d. fell off the shelf and into my hands.   The voice of intuition said that’s it.  That is the next step.

I thought it would be very simple, you get put under you straight to the subconscious mind figure out what’s wrong and record new tracks in the brain…well not so much.

There is much more work involved and is not the easy fix that I thought it would be.

What rose to the surface was guilt and grief.  Guilt about the abortion.  Grief about the abortion.

You see I have always hated Mother’s Day because every mother’s day was a reminder that I was no one’s mother.

Abortion does not qualify you the status of mother.  Logical of course, but when it comes to emotions logic does not really hold a place.

My disdain for mother’s day was holding the mourning that I have never been able to publically express.

In the time of mother goddess, we women had rituals.  We had rituals for birth, death, passages from one aspect of life to another.

But in this modern world they are gone.

You see my grief, my mourning is as real as a women who gave birth to a still born child.  I mourn the loss of my two babies due to abortion and my one child due to a miscarriage.

But the world does not acknowledge my loss or my pain.  Quite the contrary there are those who would call me a murderer, like my own sister.  And there are those who would say that I deserve my pain and that I brought it upon my self.  And at one point I think I also thought the same way.

But I know better now.  So, I publically say to the world, when I was younger I was not able to give birth to my children. I knew that I could not provide a life for them.  And that was a loss that I was not allowed to mourn.

But I will mourn the loss of my three babies now, whether or not you give me permission to.

I give myself permission.  I say to you my heart has cried the tears of a mother.  But there is no tombstone or grave to mark my loss other than the emptiness inside my heart.

You see the child that I have been trying to give birth to, I realize now has been me.  The real me, all of me, the part of me that has held the loss.

And there is anger as well.  It is amazing how you go into therapy thinking you are going to work on a particular issue and other emotions and things come at you from seemingly out of left field, like intense anger at my dad…….to be continued.

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