Misc Update…..


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Marly sitting on a patio chair (yes she chewed up the cushion).

 

Hi everyone,

I hope you are all doing well.  I have been a bit under the radar lately.  Actually I was thrown into a depression and just hanging on so as not to take a leap into that black pit of suicidal thoughts.

How did I get here?  Well it turns out  that the landlord even after I got a personal trainer for the puppies wants me to move out after all.   I can’t really talk about that yet as I am still residing in the same location but when I am moved out I will write about the details.

Yes, that was the last straw for me.  It was a depression in which I would stay up till 4 am watching episodes of the “L Word” fast forwarding through all the sex scenes and then I would get up at 1 or 2 pm because I had to.  But all I really wanted to do was hide under the covers from the world.

It is the panic of being on the streets homeless with 3 dogs and 2 cats.  Business has been slow and my bank account rather than increasing has slowly been decreasing.  I don’t even have the money to move if I found a place.

I have till the end of summer at the latest the end of the year to move out.

So first priority is hiring new performers.  And that has been frustrating because I have hired and trained 4 people in the last 3 months and then they have flaked out on me–so frustrating.

Hiring is top on the list–then saving money to move out.

I am doing better–at least I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel–as long as I don’t get pounded again and I am left in a bit of peace and quiet to go about my business.

Maddy has her eye surgery on Monday.  I tried doing the holistic route with eye drops and massage but to no avail.  Surgery it seems is the only way to fix her cherry eye.

I usually turn down credit card offers but since her surgery is going to cost $900.00 I said yes to one credit card offer.

So, that where I am at in this moment.  I am just hanging on and working on moving forward in a positive way.  And as many of you know that is quite the challenge in and of itself.

I will try to catch up on my blogging. I would like to finish the cruise and New Orleans stories, I know I have some awards that I am so behind on as well, and a poem I promised to write.

So tonight I bought some lottery tickets.  Someone does win after all every couple of months or so.

And as part of the healing journey I will start reading tonight, “The Betrayal Bond”-Breaking free of Exploitative Relationships.  I am almost afraid of what I will learn in reading that book, but I think it’s time.

I love all of my readers and followers–you guys keep me going.  You have been that life saver for me in a sea of turmoil this past year.  I am blessed to know all of you and to share in your stories as well.

lots of love,

Ivonne and the girls…..

Healing Tools……………….2


toothache

 

A couple of weeks ago I found myself with this incredible toothache on my next to last molar.  I bit down on something (can not remember what I was eating) but this amazing pain just shot through my mouth.  Great I thought, I hate the dentist.  As a matter of fact I hate going to any doctor.  I have to be in intolerable pain or practically dying before I will go to the doctors.

I thought I would not be able to avoid the dentist at this point.  Granted I used a groupon to get my teeth whitened about a year ago.  I will go to doctors for cosmetic work–but that is different-go figure.  And I used a groupon to get an initial exam, x-rays and cleaning but when the dentist assistant comes out to tell me they recommend $5000.00 worth of work–I am thinking, “No, thank you.”  Seriously if I had an extra $5000.00 laying around I could go to work.  I most certainly would not get what I think is extraneous dental work.

So, explain to me how a crown works?  You file down what is there of my tooth, to put a fake tooth cover over it–hmnn and this is supposed to help how?   OH and a deep cleaning is $600.00, seriously.  Hey I know most of the dentist in Los Angeles need to pay off their USC dental school bill but not on my wallet.

When you don’t have health or dental insurance and all costs are out of pocket you think twice about what a dentist or doctor recommends.

Like, I said no thank you.  As long as I can eat and I have no pain I am fine.

Well now there is a pain.  Now what do I do?  Well, I look up USC dental school and check their rates.  If this is a root canal job it will cost about $400.00.  Great I have two puppies on the way, business has been slow I do not need $400.00 to just fly out of my bank account.

And my mother is out-of-town so I can’t do anything till she gets back so she can drive me in the event I need to be put under.  So in the meantime I start looking into dental plans and how to manage the pain until I can make an appointment.

I go to Target and buy some Orajel for baby teething pain. It’s a little gel that numbs the gums.  It tastes kind of funny but it does work to ease the pain and the throbbing.  I also take Tylenol and napoxim sodium as well.  Between the jel and the pills I manage the pain.

 

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The other thing I am doing is only eating on the left side of my mouth.  Did you know that the natural thing to do when chewing is to alternate between one side of the mouth and the other?  I did not know that.  As a matter of fact I never really gave it much thought to how I ate only how much I ate. So, yes it does take concentrated effort to only eat on one side of the mouth.  Try it the next time you have a meal and only chew on one side.  Interesting isn’t it.

I also started using an antiseptic mouthwash as well.  And my friend Mayr had recommended Neems Mouthwash.

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So I go to Whole Foods Market to get the mouth wash and to see if they have any kind of homeopathic remedy for toothaches.

Yes, they have the mouth wash and I also get a liquid clove herbal extract.  You are supposed to put 15-20 drops in a liter of water, really that much water.  Well I take a shoot glass of water and use about 5 drops of water.

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There other thing I did was to start using a soft-head tooth brush so that I could massage the gums around the painful tooth.  It has been about two weeks since I have been using the regime of mouth wash morning and evening and the clove extract in the mornings.  The other thing I have been doing is Dr. Joe’s Dispenza’s guided meditation.   And guess what I have no more pain.

So today I bought the Neems toothpaste and will be adding that to my work out along with starting a guided meditation series on total health from Dr. Depok Chopra and Oprah, 21 day Meditation Challenge: Total Health.

http://www.chopracentermeditation.com/Bestsellers/LoginPage.aspx?BookId=178

I believe the mind and spirit can heal the physical body.  The other thing I have done is to stop taking my thyroid medication and I am using a Thyroid Support Supplement to get my thyroid back in balance.  I am still alive so I am guessing that so far that is ok but I look forward to working with the meditation series to work on the thyroid as well.

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Tools for healing…..


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There are many tools for healing out in the world.  Homeopathic remedies for the physical body, therapy, counseling for the mind and art for the soul.

I have done traditional therapy and found that for me doesn’t work so well.  I have had more success with hypnotherapy, reiki and other alternative therapies.

But my mainstay, the core of my healing comes from my writing and reading the works of others.  Any kind of problem I have ever had I figure there is a book on the subject so books are always my number one go to source.

This blog has been a tremendous source of healing for me both in what I have written-which is often cathartic and what I read of others.

The keyboard is my therapist and the words that come onto the page are the feelings, emotions, ideas both from the conscious mind and the subconscious mind.  Some people write, save a draft, re-edit and then publish and maybe I should do that but I find in most of my writing that my first draft is often the most authentic and most infused with art and inspiration.

I do not know what writers block is.  When I do not write it is because I do not have time not because I do not have ideas.  I breathe and thus ideas are on going process that fill the day and distract from the mundane activities which allow me to pay the bills and feed my babies.

But yes ideas are ongoing all the time filling my mind with each and every breath that I take.  Some make it to the page and some do not but with each word you have a piece of my soul, or my heart, or my mind or my thoughts.  Who I am is in the words–even fictional characters are bits and pieces of who I am .  So my words are not just my words, they are me–they are who I am and they are symbols of who I am.  And as long as I am not in the midst of a rage each word, each syllable is a perfectly thought out nuance the first time it is written down.

Words heal and words can hurt–I know I am a Sagittarius and I have been told that my cutthroat honesty at times can be a bit much.  A word to the wise, I say, “do not ask me a question if you don’t want my honest answer.”

If it were not for the black ink that runs through my veins to create the words on paper I probably would have died long ago by the need to be seen, to be heard to be made visible.

So writing and reading are what makes me sane and whole.

The most recent book I have read that I have referenced in my post, The Face of Narcissism is,

“Women Who Love Psycopaths”  by Sandra L. Brown  This has been an amazing book and really helped me to see the big picture regarding my romantic relationships and the connections to my family.                                                                             41YdWg0CMPL__SL500_AA300_

And then you tell yourself now what?  Where do I go from here?  How do I take the information I have just realized about the continuum of my life and move forward to the destiny that I have always dreamed about it, longed for and desired?

Buddha said that when the student is ready the teacher appears.  And apparently he did in the form of a book.  The teacher is Dr.  Joe Dispenza and his book, Breaking the habit of being yourself : how to lose your mind and create a new one .

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Book Description from Amazon Books:

 “You are not doomed by your genes and hardwired to be a certain way for the rest of your life. A new science is emerging that empowers all human beings to create the reality they choose. In Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself, renowned author, speaker, researcher, and chiropractor Dr. Joe Dispenza combines the fields of quantum physics, neuroscience, brain chemistry, biology, and genetics to show you what is truly possible.

 Not only will you be given the necessary knowledge to change any aspect of yourself, but you will be taught the step-by-step tools to apply what you learn in order to make measurable changes in any area of your life. Dr. Joe demystifies ancient understandings and bridges the gap between science and spirituality. Through his powerful workshops and lectures, thousands of people in 24 different countries have used these principles to change from the inside out. Once you break the habit of being yourself and truly change your mind, your life will never be the same!”

This is an amazing books which goes beyond the idea of positive thinking and the law of attraction and utilizes science to explain the brain/body connection and how those connections create feelings, create emotions, create hormones which affect our frequency which creates our lives.  I am not through the whole book yet.  As you can see from the description it is not the kind of book that you can get through in one sitting.

Yes, this book has been very instrumental in my healing path. It is the final piece of the puzzle which makes sense of all the other books, videos etc… I have read on changing my life and healing and the laws of attraction, affirmations etc…etc……

I love neuroscience.  I am fascinated by how the brain works and the interrelatedness of the conscious, subconscious the body and the final output the world we create for ourselves.

This is where I have been putting my focus on for the past couple of months, add to that the music classes I am taking, my job, preparing for the two new puppies and my plate is pretty full.

I know that a certain post have led some to think that I am somehow stuck in my life but rest assured I am not.  I move forward every day trying to create/achieve a better more fulfilled version of me but in order to do that I am somewhat analytical sometimes overly analytical and that might appear as a obession.  I am like a pit bull (which by the way are very sweet dogs) when I bite into something I don’t let go of it until I figure it all out.

When I feel like, ” Oh I get it now, I understand it, I realize why that happened or this happened” that is when I can let go of something and move on to the next issue that rises forth from the subconscious for healing.  When I feel that I have completely processed all that I need to process to move on then and only then can I let go of something.  That is when healing occurs.  And it is a process that only be guaged by the self not anyone else.  And healing is this ever ongoing process that never really ends in life.  So if you are alive guaranteed there is something to be worked on.

If you have been in relationship with a psychopath I male or female I highly recommend Brown’s book.

If you just want to change your life and have tools to manifest your divine destiny may I suggest Dr. Joes book.

Happy reading!!!!! And writing since anyone reading this is also a writer 🙂

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The Face of Narcissism……


“The narcissist can be likened to the Wizard of Oz.

A failed magician who PRETENDS to be a GREAT & POWERFUL WIZARD.”

                                                                                                                  (Dr. Craig Malkin)

How does one go from being an innocent child like this……

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to someone with Narcissistic Personality disorder like this?

 

To continue reading go to, The Illusionist by Ivonne Montijo on amazon.com

 

World Wide amazon links here.

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The Depression Monster Strikes…..


Depression reared its ugly head this morning.  The alarm went off at 10:00 am and I could not bring myself to get out of bed.  Just a few more minutes, I thought and then I would get up…….and so I lay there….I thought about the past……I thought about recent events……and I prayed,…… “this is the day the lord has made,let me be glad and rejoice.”  But there was no rejoicing.  There was only the blackness that I was feeling in my soul.  I lay in bed and said Hoʻoponopono (ho-o-pono-pono) is an ancient Hawaiian practice of reconciliation and forgiveness.  I said it for the last relationship I was involved in, “Please forgive me, I am sorry, Thank you, I love you.”  I lay there and I prayed, “Dear God, please remove any psychic, emotional ties to JSB–set him free and set me free.”

This depression did not make a sudden appearance.  No, not at all.  He had been lurking around-hiding in the recesses of my psyche waiting for a moment of weakness to strike me at the knees and leave me unable to move.

I have fought him and have fought looking into the dark abyss that I know as my depression.  But today there was no fight in me.  He caught me.

I finally got out of bed and the clock said 12 noon.  12 noon, really!!!!  It only felt like a few minutes maybe half an hour at the most.  I had to get out of bed there was much to do.  The farmers market would be over by the time I made it there.  I dragged myself out of bed to start the beginning of a day that was already half over.

The other evening Rick Springfield was on Dr. Oz talking about his depression.  I have often thought how is it possible to be depressed when you have all that success and money?  At the very least you could afford good doctors to fix it.  Dr. Oz showed a brain scan of a normal brain and of a depressed brain.  The depressed brain was mostly blue as opposed to the normal brain which had lots of yellow and red areas.  There were a couple of really dark blue patches on the brain and Rick Springfield said, those really dark patches were where the music came from.

I can relate to that.  Much art is born from the pain and angst of the artist re-expressing itself as music or poetry or paintings, etc.

But I have not written a song or a poem in about two months.   Out of pain I can write–I can create.  But with the depression it is a different kind of pain.  This is a pain that comes as a numbness to life.  The perception is that there is nothing–a big zero.  It is like being in a vacuum or abyss in which nothing penetrates–there is no sound-no light-no love-no nothing.

I know that my life has been blessed in so many ways but when this monsters appears at my door none of it matters.

I made it to the farmers market by 1:00 PM and they close at 1:30 PM.  I found many of the items I wanted except for the purple carrots–I was too late.

My next stop was Whole Foods Market.  I actually had a lovely conversation with a woman demonstrating facial products.  This made me feel a bit better, although I think I may have shared too much information about my life with her.  I have always been that way–will talk to a total stranger about anything including my life.  Ha-it’s no wonder I am doing a blog.  She made me promise to go to the beach.

So after Trader Joe’s I went to the beach.  Since I did not have my dog with me I decided to go to a different stretch of beach.  The beach is where I find God and solace.  But today even that was a challenge for me.

The sand felt wonderful against my bare feet-it wasn’t too hot and it wasn’t cold.  It was warm and squishy.

As I walked along the shore breathing in the ocean air the wet sand glistened with gold dust.  I do not know what the specks are or why it makes the sand glisten with gold but it was a delight to see the sand sparkling in the sun radiating golden sparkles.  This stretch of beach had sea shells.  Beautiful shells the treasures of the ocean.  I collect rocks and shells and I may as well have found sapphires and rubies.  I perused the sand hunting for treasure.  I found six little beauties to add to my collection.  And as I went about collecting I started to notice not only the treasures of the ocean by the trash left by humans.  I shook my head in dismay as I thought that life is like this.  Some of the people we meet are treasures to be collected and kept in the heart, while some people are just trash and we are supposed to walk past them and leave them behind as a bitter-sweet memory.  The problems come when we confuse the trash for treasure.

This has been a year in which I thought I was receiving gems and treasure but when I looked in my heart all I had was trash.

As this year is coming to a close I acknowledge that it has not turned out as I had anticipated.  I put my dreams aside to help someone pursue their dream and was left with nothing.  It has been one wild goose chase after another.  I have been in survival mode for the past few months.  I want to get beyond surviving and move into thriving.

This monster, this depression is here so that I can acknowledge the hurts, the disappoints, the disappointing people and in that acknowledgement hopefully move beyond the barriers that keep me from moving forward.

I am looking forward to 2013 as a fresh start to resume the goals I had laid aside at the start of 2012.

Fifty and Fabulous…….


Last week I celebrated my 50 th Birthday by having a Pirate Costume Party.

In my last post I wrote that by my 50th Birthday I wanted to be fabulous.  Fabulous meaning that I would lose the excess weight and buddha belly and that I would be one hot momma !!!!!!

That’s what I did for my 40th Birthday and I looked hot.

Actually I have been a hottie all of my life but I just did not know it at the time.

It has taken getting older and seeing pictures of myself as I looked a long time ago to realize that what I was feeling on the inside did not match what people were seeing on the outside.

So I lived my life and made my choices as the ugly girl, the unwanted girl because that is what I felt like on the inside.  I did not get by on looks, after all I did not realize I had any.  I developed my brains and my personality.

As I have gotten older and matured I realized I was attractive, somewhere in my 30’s and I would get bored if men told me I was beautiful because I felt like the only stopped at the window dressing and did not go beyond what they were seeing to really “see” me.

The funny thing is that I really did not see myself either.

And 50 is such a big fat number.  I have now jumped into another age group category when filling out forms (sacry…so scary…).

I am struggling with the perceptions I had of women who were 50 when I was young as compared to how I feel about myself.

I am still single and would love to be with my soul mate (Jesus, Lord where in hell is he btw?) so I can not fall into the “well I’m 50 now and old”.

I am fighting that, in my mind at least….

Yes, I am 50. 

Yes, I color my hair to hide the gray (so not ready for that yet). 

Although I do look good in really white hair, you know that silver white but what I have is not that, at least not yet.

And yes, I am about 15-20 lbs over weight….but guess what?

Fifty and Fabulous is not about my physical state and what my outsides look like.

Fifty and Fabulous is an internal state of mind.

So my outside still does not match the inside of me but what I do know is that even though I am 50, even though I have gray that I hide, even though I am a little (cough–cough) over-weight I am FABULOUS.

I am still a hottie because being a hottie is more a state of mind than a physical state.

Now, don’t get me wrong I am still plan to on work outside.  The goal is to ultimately have the balance between mind-body-spirt.

So, to all the ladies out there 50+…keep on being fabulous…

And to all the young ladies minus 50 know that you are already fabulous just as you are and please don’t wait until you are 50 to embrace that.

Balance….


 

                                

As my readers know balance is not exactly a part of the vocabulary of my life.

The men that have been in my life have not been in balance with who I really am.

Mentally, I am way out of balance.

Physically, I am out of balance as well.

I eat dark chocolate to balance to my broken,mended, taped up, stapled up heart.

I take little blue pills to balance the nuero-circuits in my brain.

And I take another pill which is supposed to balance out my thyroid.

All of these external attempts at balance which really only address symptoms and not causes.

My goal for the summer is to be in balance, holistically and spiritually.

It is only when we are in balance body-mind-spirit, that we can truly express our divine self on the planet.

It is then when we can fulfill our divine purpose.

There is much to be done to get human self in alignment with my higher spiritual self.  It is a path upon which I have embarked upon many times and it is a path upon which I have stumbled many times.

So, here I go again attempting to embrace a higher life, which at the end of it will hopefully serve some greater purpose besides myself………

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