Prayer Request……


My world has come crashing down on me in the last few  days.

I have had two performers quit on me as of two weeks ago and that represents about $800.00-$1000.00 of monthly income now out the door……

On Sunday when the owner of my building came over to replace the garbage disposal he informed me that he was uncomfortable with my new puppies.  The problem being he has been barked out when walking past my door upon coming home from work.  I guess he thought I would say something like I would get rid of the puppies but instead I told him that I would need a couple of months to find a new place to live.  I made a commitment to them and was not about to betray them because he is acting like an, ( I can’t say because I still live here and don’t know who might be reading this–use your imagination).

I am the one who feels betrayed here as I specifically moved into this place five years ago because I thought it was a dog friendly environment.  As a matter of fact over the past five years this person had been encouraging me to get another dog, had also stated, “I love to see a few dogs running around here.”  Well, when I decided to rescue the puppies it was with all that in mind.  And now, that I have dogs this guy is telling me he has a problem–what the fuck!!!!

A little backstory- he lives on the premises–this is a four unit building which he owns.  I have a two bedroom apt in the front, his is a 3 bedroom apt with two floors 3rd apt down from me.  He had a female roommate that brought in her boyfriend along with a dog and a visiting friend to stay for about a month. It seems that her dog was a bit aggressive to his father’s dog (which he kind of inherited as his dad said to him, either take the dog or it goes to the pound).  It’s a ten-year old dog about the size of my puppies.  Missy is not partial to him so we try to keep our distance as much as possible.

This dog is home all day long by itself and is never taken on walks.  He gets to poop in the little tiny back yard.

I, on the other hand walk Missy and the puppies minimum 3X a day.  I take Missy to the dog beach, and I take all three doggies on Fridays when I have to get costumes to my performers.  Puppies don’t listen well enough yet to be taken to a beach or a park.  I work 90% of the time from my home so my dogs and cats are mostly supervised.  And he is not comfortable around a little barking?!!!!

You know I really wanted to go off on this person but I literally had to bite my tongue to stay in control.

I reminded him that for the past five years he had encouraged me to get a dog and now that I did he tells me this.  Well, he didn’t imagine I would get puppies.  I informed him I have two cats no way could I get an older dog and besides that an older dog also would not work with Missy.  Puppies can be acclimated with other pets.

So, I now have a month to train my pups not to bark or I need to move out.  I could just cry.  I wanted to cry yesterday but I didn’t I was still in shock.  It is episodes like this that trigger my depression and suicidal thoughts–the idea of being homeless with five pets is quite the trigger–always has been for me. I think I didn’t cry to keep me from going there.  I felt it, I felt the pull of the imaginary trigger, even saw my final note that I would leave written on the wall. My final message to all the assholes in my life and those who have sent me close to the edge of that dark abyss….

The truth of the matter is that I have been wanting to move out for a while.  I applied for a house in January but got turned down.  It would have been perfect for me and my business–so that was a bit depressing.  Then I saw the notice about the girls and thought well maybe that was why I didn’t get the house so that I could rescue the littles (that what I am calling them now–the littles).

It’s not just the house,or the performers, or the puppies. It is also the situation I have with my mother and work.  My mother helps me with my costumes and some of them are at her place–but we have a very toxic relationships.  On the one hand she helps me but on the other hand it is as if there is this invisible hammer that I get clobbered over the head with every time I am there.  There is a litany of things that I hear such as, “you’re fat, I hate this job, the biggest mistake was you moving to Long Beach, why do you waste your time going to school?”–there is more but I am sure you get the point.  It’s all words that invalidate who I am and the choices I have made. So ever Friday evening when I leave I feel a bit broken.  How can I face the challenges that my life presents with the people in my immediate circle beating me up emotionally?

This weekend my mother goes out of town for three weeks, which means I am at her place 2-3 times a week to do what she normally does for me.  And I have 4 weeks to train my new puppies?  And I still have five weeks of school left.

Yes, I just want to cry right now.  I will choose to be homeless living out of my car before I abandon any of my babies.  I can’t even tell this to my mother because every time I have a problem or challenge rather than being supportive or nurturing she takes it upon herself to tell me everything she thinks I am doing wrong with my life–no, no emotional support there at all.  My mother did not get that gene, at least not for me she didn’t.  Besides the emotional abuse for the past two weeks she and her husband have had fights in front of my performers–how humiliating is that?!!

My plan was something like this, finish the semester, hire some new performers, get a new place for my costumes and then look for a new place to live.

But my world has just crashed in on me like a house of cards.  I feel betrayed. Betrayed by the owner of the building who for five years lead me to believe he was a different type of person.

And what have I lived with here?  Well the disposal that he came to fix has been broken for over two months.  He fixed something with the sink and when he left I noticed the disposal leaking–not wanting to deal with him yet again I put a bucket under the sink.  It has not been the first time I just deal with something myself because the response is so slow in coming that I just take care of things as best as I can at times.  Nothing that ever gets fixed is ever done 100%–mostly half way.  The building got painted this ugly beige/gray color but the fence was left this gray-blue.

I have no central heating or airconditioning.  Who knew? I thought all buildings had central heat and air–guess what they don’t.  There was an old furnace type of floor heater but the guy took it out because he was afraid the building might catch on fire.

I moved in and there were roaches–the place never got fogged or fumigated in between tenants.  The carpeting in the bedrooms I shampooed four times in a row to get the smell of dog urine out of it as the previous owners had a puppy.  Carpets should have been replaced before I moved in but they weren’t.  Hence why I am not too concerned what my puppies do or do not do as they were already damaged.  A huge rock was thrown through the front window–well the broken window got replaces but not the screen where the rock came through so I have a screen with a huge hole in it.  I now have bars on the window which does make me feel safer.

How did a rock get thrown through my front window?  Well the guess is that is was the same kids who broke into one of the cars out in the parking in the back that saw the police and a report being filed.  We are guessing they were giving us a “warning”.  Warning my ass they got reported to the police, who came out, took a report and took the rock to check for prints.

There is more but I am too tired at the moment to go into the other things didn’t get done or got done part way.

Before the nice young girl moved into the apt next door to me there was a couple with two very aggressive dogs.  Mind you Missy was just a 2 year old puppy when we moved in and every time we walked by they would try to jump to the screen to get at us.  They were so aggressive that they would even come up to my screen door to growl at Missy.  The dogs were put into cages–you could see them in the living room.  And they were never taken on walks–they were allowed to pee and poop in the back and the owners never picked up after them.  I could not open my bedroom or kitchen windows because the stench was so bad.  I never complained because I knew they were going to move out in a couple of months.  The people were nice but just irresponsible when it came to their dogs.  But I am not them.  Maybe this guy is having flashbacks to them because I know it cost quite a bit to fix the place after they moved out.  But I am not them. I am quite responsible with my pets and my job.

Yes, I hate doing housework–but I don’t leave poop or pee just lying around me–I can’t stand the smell.  I have been vacuuming and shampooing my bedroom carpet for the last two weeks since I got the puppies.  I have been mopping with vinegar and orange oil to get any smells out.

I am so frustrated right now.  I know I have to get a trainer was going to do that anyways.  Like I said I have been wanting to move and had applied for a house but got turned down.  I have  a bankruptcy on my record that could be why and it scares me because I am afraid that I won’t be able to find a new place to live, that and the fact that financially I am not in a place to move, security deposits and movers all cost money.  It would wipe me out at the moment.  And my mother is not an option.  My family would just tell me to get rid of the dogs–they don’t understand my love of animals or why I am Vegan or the words loyalty and commitment.

I am debating on whether I should write him a letter stating that I have been thinking about moving since January and for him not to worry that he would be stuck with us but that I would appreciate at least getting through the summer if not sooner.  Any advice?

So my friends, I am asking for your prayers and positive thoughts. I need to get past the  depression, the suicidal thoughts, the shock so I can move forward with finding a permanent solution to my dilemma at the moment.

thank you,



Puppy Update

image image2

Marlow                      &                  Madison

Hello everyone,

Here is a short update on the girls.  They are still in Texas.  The puppy with the cherry eye got puppy flu which has delayed them getting spayed which may delay transport.  But here are current pictures of them.  I don’t know what they feed puppies in Texas but they look so huge to me.

Also I have new names for the girls–Maddy and Marly, short for Madison and Marlow.

Hopefully it won’t be much longer before I get them.  I don’t want to miss the puppyness.

Maggots as metaphors……

The last eight  months have been some sort of rollercoaster ride and I am not particularly partial to roller coaster rides.  It feels like I am about to birth something.  Maybe a new and improved version of myself?  But we are only at the beginning of month nine so I guess figuratively speaking I have a month left before some kind of birthing/transformation occurs.

Today I received a wake up call of sorts.  Something happened this morning that made me realize that I have been in a funk.  That I have not really been myself.  I think so much of my life has been lived in some sort of parallel universe that often times I am not aware of who the real Ivonne is or when life seems to have gotten off track.

But this morning I had a living metaphor to remind me that I need to start living life with purpose.

I went to take out the trash to discover that it was covered with maggots—-WTF!!!!!!!!

White disgusting maggots….on the outside of the trash bags, on the inside of the trash can…..gag me.  I am surprised I did not throw up on the spot.  It’s like they all sprouted over night.  It was totally disgusting.   And while I am cleaning out the trash man I remember that there are references to maggots in the bible relating to death and man being covered in maggots at death.  Well, I wasn’t dead but I was covered in maggots–kind of.

I was attracting the energy of maggots–the energy of man at his death being transformed–well you know being eaten by the maggots.  This is what popped into my head when I had to deal with this.

And I realized that I have been in a living death for about a month.  My creativity had come to a halt, business has slowed down and hence I have been financially challenged.  I have not worked out in a while and my diet has been sucky for about three weeks.

I have been in a deathly funk.  I have been processing old emotional wounds and that may be a part of it.  I have read that there are spiritual alignments happening in our universe and that may be playing a part as well.

Whatever the reason, the thing is I realized I am in a funk and I need to get out of it.

I am 50 going to be 51 years old and the plans I had at the beginning of the year have not panned out.

I do not have an answer at the moment……Hang on a sec my dog needs to go outside…..

I would love to be able to say here is the epiphany I had today but that is still a work in progress.  I know the answer lies in my health equally physical, emotional and spiritual.

Oh and it appears that my dog apparently has diarrieah…sigh…

I wanted to take a picture of the beautiful night sky out tonight but it turns out the battery in my camera is dead…go figure that seems to be the current state of affairs….sigh………

So instead of the night sky in Long Beach I am sharing with you one of my favorite sunset pictures I took while I was in Negril, Jamaica….

Unruly kids and Yappy dogs…….


My two biggest pet peeves are unruly kids in public and yappy dogs on 25 ft. retractable leashes.

This morning after having gotten a tetanus shot because I had gotten bitten by a neighbor’s dog this past weekend I decided to stop at an outlet store and do a little shopping.

There were two little girls ages about 3 and 4 playing with toys on the floor at the end of an aisle blocking the aisle.  So in order to get to the aisle you had to manuever around the two little girls.

And then the banshee like screaming starts.  Five minutes later still screaming…..10 more minutes, still screaming………15 minutes, still screaming and no parental intervention.

At the 20 minute mark I could not take it any more.  I walked out of the aisle and asked this woman to please attend to her child.

Before I continue let me describe this women, early 20’s Latina woman , with dyed blond hair, blue eyes, which I am guessing since the hair was fake most likely so were the eyes, on the chubby side wearing leggings and a tight t-shirt.  Now that you have the picture in your mind, I shall continue.

She immediately got ghetto on me….I am talking hand on the hips, head swirling ghetto.  She started calling me a bitch and a few other expletives.  And told me that she knew what was wrong with her child. I believe my response was, “well in that case why don’t you control her. My mother had rules for public behavior when I was a child”.

She then said, “There’s the front door.  Why don’t you leave the store. And I am not you”.  My response was, “Obviously and I walked away”.  I believe I muttered something like Jesus Christ under my breath at which point ghetto mom walked back to the aisle I was in, hand on hips and stared at me, as if that was going to make me leave the store.

I thought this woman was going to hit me and I almost wish she had because then I would have called the cops, she would have gotten arrested and child social services would have picked up her kids.

She eventually walked away…….she eventually said to her child, “stop whining”.

Why did it take a 20 minute tantrum and a total stranger asking this woman to deal with her child before she did anything?

My mother had rules and every time before we set foot out the front door she would remind us of the behavior that was expected of us in public places.  Why do people think that it is ok for their child/brat to disturb the peace of others in public places?

My dog is not allowed in stores (exception Petco).  My dog is not allowed in restaurants or to fly beside me on a plane.  And yet my 60 lb dog is better behaved than most people’s kids.

I can guarantee you that my dog will not be disruptive inside a store, a restaurant or on an airplane.

Can you say the same of your kids?  Granted not all dogs are well-behaved or trained either.  That’s my next big pet peeve.  Small yappy dogs, totally out of control on a 25 ft retractable leash charging and barking at my 60 lb dog.  Are they nuts? Do they have some kind of death wish?

People control your dogs.  I can not just pick up my 60 lb dog and hold it in my arms in the event of a problem.  No, I had to train my dog.  Please do the same with yours because the next time one of your yappy, rat dogs comes charging at my dog I will not tell her to sit and stay, quite the contrary I will tell her to go for it.  Hmnn, maybe then you might train your unruly dogs.

So if you see some woman out in public telling a parent to control their child, it will probably be me.

If we all took a stand on such disruptive behavior maybe some of these parents might just get a clue…………

…Missy’s Malaise aka Three Dog Night…..


Actually it was just one white dog with diarrhea, which is the equivalent of a three dog night.

So around 8:00 pm my neighbor notices that my dog has diarrhea.  Great, that’s just what I want to hear.  I am hoping it is a temporary situation.  Walk the dog at 2:00 am, still diarrhea.  Did I mention she is a white dog?

We go to bed, me on mine, she on hers.  I usually sleep better with the dog next to me but given her current physical malaise I did not coax her into my bed.

It’s a little bit before 5:00 am  and I awake to this rancid odor. She must have pooped in the living room, I thought. 

Dear God, it’s 5:00 am I just do not want to deal with this.  I roll over thinking I deal with it in the morning. Oh, by the way, she is now sleeping on the pillow next to me. I get up and decide to go to the bathroom.  I unknowingly find it, step in it.

Not in the living room, in the hallway.  My socks are covered in it.  I turn on the lights there it is. A yellow-brownish river flowing through the hallway.  Like it or not I now have to deal with it.

I can’t blame her it’s not her fault.  It might even be my fault. I ran out of dog food and instead of going to Target I decide to go to the corner 7/11.  In all likely hood I only have my lazy butt to blame. 

The thing is the day before I had left my purse/wallet/money/atm/license at my mom’s place in Granada Hills(about 70 miles from me), so the least amount of driving the better.

My badd, my badd, my badd…my dog, my dog, my dog…..

 I start to clean up the mess. I call out to her, Hey Missy let’s go for a walk.  She is not budging off of my bed.  I have to grab her by the collar and drag her poop laden butt off of the bed.  Then there’s the pillow she was sleeping on, a part of my comforter, a blanket…thank good I had a towel on my pillow from washing my hair.

 I walk the dog at 5:00 am and this lethal brown liquid just shoots out of her.  Did I mention she has white fur?  I get a wash cloth and shampoo and start cleaning her off at 5:00 am.  Truly the dedicated actions that only a mother would do.  My dog is confused, she does not understand and she hates water.

 Back inside to deal with the bed.  Needless to say there is a lot of laundry to be done tomorrow.  My dog’s bed get put into the living room.  The bedroom doors are closed.  My dog is standing in front of the bedroom door, expectations in her eyes.  She looks at me, she looks at the door as if to say what gives?

 She has never been banned from the bedroom before, not in all her five years and it’s her Birthday month.  She is very spoiled, however, I had to draw the line at the possibility of more diarreah on my bed.  Disgusting isn’t it?

 Morning comes, she still has diarrhea.  I cook her white rice, in the hopes it will cure her of this disingenuous malaise.  Problem is, my dog is fussy.  She only eats my mothers, spicy Puerto Rican Rice, she does not even eat chinese rice or Puerto Rican rice made by other people.  She only eat’s abuela’s rice.  It has been three hours since the rice was put in her bowl and it’s till there.  I have done 2 loads of laundry with 2 more to go.

 The dog is calmly sleeping on one of her dog bed’s in the living room. She has three–I said she was spoiled, right?

 I should probably wake her up and take her for a walk before the cycle starts again.

I am anxiously looking for a solid poop.  Those are the little things that bring joy into the day of a mom.  Things like solid poop and eating your food.  I don’t think you realize the anxiety a woman goes through when a dog/cat/baby does not eat, untill you have one.

Ok, I am not being sexist.  Maybe men feel the same way but that is not the impression I have gotten over the years.  I can’t exactly picture my ex-husband cleaning a dog’s butt with a wash cloth.

(Mental note do not use said wash cloth to remove make-up ever again.)

….did I mention the cat who refuses to use the litter box?……

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