Daddy’s Little Girl

               My father passed away on Good Friday 2023 and being Easter there is a resurrection of sorts and we will get to that by the end of this story. His death brought forth a plethora of emotions. A little back story. My father divorced my mother when I was 16 and in a sense it felt like he had also divorced my sister and myself.  There was no child support awarded—my mother didn’t care—all she wanted was an out of a tumultuous  marriage. By the time I was 17 he was remarried to a woman only 7 years older than me and their son was born—I’ll leave you to do the math.

               I have often wondered why people would say, “you should not speak ill of the dead”. I mean seriously if someone was a crappy husband and father why should you pretend that they weren’t? I now understand why it is said. It is not about them, it is about you.  While you may be justified in your truth, your anger all it does is continue to burn a hole in your soul.  You need to take all the anger, all the hurt, all the woulda, shoulda, could haves and bury them with the dead. That is the only way to let of it all and to be free. No relationship no matter how strained, hurtful or regretful has some positive, some love there or it wouldn’t hurt so much. So I will bury it all.

               You see there is a father I can hold onto. The daddy that I had when I was five years old. The daddy whose arms I would jump into when he got home from work. The daddy who would surprise me with popcorn balls in the shape of a a sitting doggie, the chocolate cigarettes or what ever treat it was he would pick up on the New York subway on his way home from work. The dad that carried me to the hospital a few blocks away when I fell and hit my head at the age of 7 because my parents did not have a car. The dad that held me as the doctors took a needle and thread and put stitches into my head. Pretty famous in school for a couple weeks looking like Frankenstein. The dad that would take permanent markers and draw superhero’s on my and my sisters arms. I did say permanent markers right? Had to wear long shirts to school when he did that. A precursor to my future as a face painter.

               When I was 19 my father moved to another city and by the time I was 40 he had moved to another state. Other than an occacional yearly trip or that yearly Christmas day call that I would make for the past 20 years my father has been mostly out of my life and barely there from the age of 19.

               My father moved back into the area a few months ago when he inherited my uncle’s house. And that move  brought forth many emotions. For at least a year I have been trying to reconcile who I am and the connection to my father.  You see the talents and abilities that I love best about myself all come from him. I took art classes in high school and at the age of 19 I started face painting. The ability to draw comes from my dad. So while he may not have been financially responsible for us post divorce I he did give me a gene that has enabled me to support myself for the past 41 years. My dad was also a writer, sadly his work was never published but the desire for the written word comes from him. I have self-published, written and produced a play and a short film, so in that respect I got luckier than he did. I remember my dad playing guitar when I was a child and rolling my eyes when he would make up songs—little did I know what a talent that was—no I don’t play but I have taken lessons and the desire to create music is there, again my dad. He spoke English, Spanish and French. I speak, English, Spanish, Italian and some French—my proclivity for languages comes from him as well.  Granted, physically I am a mini-me of my mom and I have many of her attributes as well—but the core of so much of who I am is my dad. I learned never to walk away a from a fight from him and to be fearless.

               So, how can I hate this man so much when so much of who I am is him? How can I accept who I am if on some level I can not accept him? This has been my struggle for the past year and I had hoped that somehow I would figure it all out before he died but life does not always work out that way, maybe if this was a Hallmark movie it would have happened that way. To back track a little bit. My father had fallen and hit his head and had to get stitches he was kept in the hospital for observation. My sister and I had already made plans to see him when he got released from the hospital but before that happened we got a call that his heart stopped and they weren’t sure if he would make it through the weekend. We were going to the hospital Friday morning when the call came that he has passed away. And that roller coaster ride of emotions really took off.  At first I was numb, no feelings no emotions but then it hit me. The sadness, the grief, crying for the little who will never get her daddy back….

               and therein lies the resurrection. You see, the only way to get my dad back is to hold onto those little girl memories when I was Daddy’s girl. It is finally accepting that who I am when I write or paint a little child’s face are the parts of my dad to accept and embrace. And all the hurt’s that have transpired will get buried once and for all. I will never be hurt again or disappointed by my father who after all was just a human with his own stories of hurt and tribulations. I will be free of all of that and I continue to just be that little girl who waited with anticipation for her daddy to come home from work and jump into his arms.

               This picture of me and my dad has always been my favorite and it embodies for me all the words I have written. It is the image of my dad that I want to hold in my heart and memories

My Wayshower Dream & 2020

In my early 20’s I had what at the time I thought was a very bizarre dream. In this dream Earth was in a war. My job in this war was to take people to safety through a portal which looked like a doorway. The people I was trying to help were fighting me—they were not coming willingly even though I was taking them to a better, safer space where there was no war occurring. I was very frustrated in the dream and I asked out loud, “Why won’t they come with me?” This is when a person appeared in my dream that I would describe as Jesus. He said to me,” They don’t remember the contracts they made with you. You are a wayshower.” And then I woke up. Back then there was no internet and not google. All we had was the dictionary, a thesaurus and the encyclopedia Britannica. At that time I had no idea what a “wayshower” was—I had never heard of the word and the answer was not to be found in the dictionary. The following Sunday I was at a Unity Church service and there was a small pamphlet in the pews. There was a paragraph which stated, “that Jesus was a wayshower.” I had a better understanding of the word but didn’t really see how it applied in my life. This is not a dream I have shared with many people, maybe one or two, because it definitely sounds crazy. Today I definitely see where this applies in my life now, given the circumstances in which our society and Earth/Gaia finds itself in.

I think I became a wayshower when I went vegan 8 years ago for the animals. When most people go vegan you start researching diet, nutrition, etc. I became vegans for the animals and started advocating for the animals and a plant based diet back in 2011. I advocated against animal cruelty, when that didn’t make an impact I connected the consumption of dead animals and to health consequences—that didn’t make a dent. People have their addictions and really just don’t want to give them up. I advocated for the animals in connection with the environment and even then people just didn’t really care. Have you any idea how heartbreaking this can be? When no matter in which perspective you approach a subject no one seems to care. Little did I know that this was to be my bootcamp. Yes, bootcamp training for what was to come. People not caring was one thing but let me tell you everyone has something to say about diet…..did I say vegan was a diet? No, It is not a diet it is a philosophy of life in which one commits to not use or abuse animals. You can read more about that journey here , My coming out story……. | My Vegan Heart Blog (wordpress.com), lest we digress. So bootcamp, yes preparing me for what was to come. You see as a vegan whenever you post an article that has to do with the animals it always comes with trolls….you know the type those that claim not eating meat will kill you yet here I stand 9 years later. Trolls who torment you, don’t read what you post etc etc etc but always have something to say whether or not they have any facts or data to back them up. Vegan bootcamp was to prepare me to become a Patriot. It was in 2016 during the democratic primaries where Bernie Sanders got screwed that I demexited and registered Green and wound up voting for Jill Stein— you can read those details here My #walkawaycampaign story. | Sex, Spirit, Soul Mates and Chocolate….Ivonne’s Journey (wordpress.com).

The wayshower dream/vison I had in my early 20’s is about what I am doing now. There are two major events that are happening now in the world which are both leading  to the same point in time. Politically President Trump is fighting the deep state/cabal. It’s your basic good vs evil fight type of movie but it’s not a movie it’s real life in this 3D Earth Plane. Metaphysically/spiritually Earth is moving from the 3D dimension to the 5D dimension, think heaven on Earth, think revelations—“there will be a new heaven and a new earth…” The convergence comes in Nesara/Gesara—humanity being freed from being slaves of the cabal. This is the point where most people will call me a conspiracy theorist—- They come from the “orange man bad”, “ Q is not real”, “anons are white supremacist” , “ Biden won and is good” (so far from the truth) and let’s not forget the “plannedemic”.  Sure there is a virus like the cold or the flu that has a 99.4 % recovery rate—is that .6% enough to shut the world down? No, not really unless you are planning on driving people into fear to install the New World Order. This is what Trump and the Q anons are fighting. It is very frustrating when people are just not seeing the evil that is occurring in the world right now. I and we are trying to get them to that better place, trying to get them to see how we have been manipulated trying to show them a better way but they refuse. Just like in my dream/vision they are fighting me. 5D Earth is vegan and you need to be vibrating at a high level to make the jump at this time. The portal opens on Dec 21, 2020, which if we were still using the Mayan calendar the date would actually be Dec 21, 2012—go figure we lost a few years in the translation to the Gregorian calendar. Nesara/Gesara is the National Economic Security and Reformation Act / Global Economic Security and Reformation Act—in a nutshell it means all debts forgiven, a return to constitutional law and releases larges sums of money to the people—heaven on earth/5 D earth. Maybe we are chasing rainbow unicorns here but we will never know if Pres. Trump does not have another 4 years to drain the swamp of the deep state/cabal. I should be isolating myself and meditating and just preparing for Dec 21, 2020 and yet here I am in another attempt to get as many people to the other side of the portal where there is safety and heaven on earth. The  most important things you can do is to go vegan, pray, meditate and support Pres. Trump in his efforts to bring down the deep state/ cabal.

WWG1WGA