Acceptance or Resignation……..

lavendar crone 2

 

These are the two words that have been  drifting through my consciousness for the past few months.

Accept by  definition means to accommodate or reconcile oneself in regards to a situation whereas resignation means the act of resigning a submissive attitude state or state.  These words seem so similar in meaning yet acceptance seems to me to be more “go with the flow” while resignation implies a sense of quitting –a giving up.

So the question begs to be asked have I accepted the now or have I merely resigned myself to the fact the life I had dreamed on will never be?

Since mid November I have been unpacking, moving putting away, throwing out and re-evaluating every aspect of my life.  I love the house I have moved into.  It’s huge and spacious.  If I could take this house and plop it beach side I would be in heaven. But I miss the ocean.  Is this it for me?  I dreamed on living in a house on the beach and drifting off to sleep to the sounds of the ocean waves crashing on the shore and I am living in the desert in the middle of nowhere and in the evenings I am lulled by the sounds of the frog community that lives in the empty lot next to my home.  I am not someone who just randomly moves. I lived in Long Beach for seven years, before that I lived in the valley in the same apt for 15 years.  I tend to stay put so other than winning the lottery and becoming an instant millionaire and buying that  beach house I will be out here for quite a while.  So, yes I have been wondering is this the end of the line for me?  Do I die in the desert rather than ocean side?

 

It is not just the move that has me reflecting but the reflection I see staring back at me in the mirror.                                  ivonne mirror

 

And I’m not talking about age as in getting old but age as in wow yesterday I was only 25 years old where did the time and my dreams go?

 

So you see, it’s not about “aging” but about the dreams that have gone unfulfilled and that most likely will never get fulfilled and so they start to fade from memory like a classical film becomes faded and torn with time.

I look at the vision board that sits on the corner of my bedroom floor and all I want to shout at it LIAR-LIAR -LIAR!!!!  I created that vision board about the time I started this blog.

That vision board hung in my bedroom in Long Beach.  I would look at it upon awakening and before going to bed.  I had so many dreams just five years ago and I was still hopeful that they would come to pass.

As I look upon the images which were carefully chosen and placed on the board I have to accept/resign that some of those dreams have faded into nothingness.  Five-seven years ago I was still hopeful of meeting someone and starting a family. Even if I meet someone tomorrow and a relationship developed I don’t think it would be possible to start a family.  And even if it were possible for me at the age of 52 or older to have a child, would I even want to at this age?

But the dream of child and family carries with it the ways I would have celebrated Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter and all the holidays.  Gone are the dinners that will not get cooked, the cookies that will not get baked and the mother’s day cards I have always yearned for.

Ok so maybe the age factor is playing a bit into all of this contemplation.  My body is changing and not in a good way.  When I was younger I used to say that I looked forward to menopause because my periods were so painful and now as I sit at the precipice I am not so sure I am ready.  There is a line that is crossed at menopause and nothing says old lady more than the onset of menopause.  Truthfully I can’t even say that I have crossed over into that phase of life but it certainly has been on my mind lately.  I do not have any of the classic symptoms of menopause.

“Symptoms of menopause can include abnormal vaginal bleeding, hot flashes, vaginal and urinary symptoms, and mood changes.”[1] Yes, my periods have gotten sporadic but they still occur.

Crone mother is knocking at the door waiting to be invited in but how can I let her know when there is still so much that I yearn for, long for? I look at the face in the mirror and I ask, “Who are you? ” Why do you torment me when I want to hang onto dreams that will never be?”

 

Hecate 2

 

And she responds by the glistening appearance of silver in my hair.  I have not dyed my hair in months.  I want to know what she knows.  I want to know what my real hair color looks like under the remnants of the last dye job.  Truthfully I am tired of the effort it takes to color my hair.  What is the point of looking younger than I am?  You see coloring the hair is almost like telling a little white lie (yes pun intended).  It allows me and you to pretend that I am a different version of me.  And each time I color my hair and the dye goes down the bathroom sink I wonder where does it go? Out to the ocean?  Am I polluting my beloved ocean merely for the sake of vanity?

Yemaya and Crone Mother are knocking at my door waiting to be let in.  But how can I allow the crone to enter when mother I have not been?  A maiden I have been. And maidens become mothers which ultimately transform the feminine into divine wisdom. I do not know if I am ready.  I hear them but chose to ignore them in my silence.

A friend said I will look older if I allow the grey to be.  A fellow actor said I might book more.  I think there is a peace that women achieve when they reach the stage where they open the door to the wisdom of the Crone.  I am not there yet.  I want to be all moved in with everything in its proper place. Furniture fixed and painted and looking new, well at least looking matched. I’d like to see the art back up on the walls but there is this fatigue that overcomes me.

I have had health issues since October 2013. I have lost my sense of taste and smell or rather I have a distorted sense of taste and smell–which has limited what I can eat. And I have this constant fatigue-that never seems to go away. My right hand is slightly crippled from the dog bite and a couple of months ago I slammed the same right hand with the car door. My middle finger is still swollen and not totally healed.  So you see there is much that keeps me from entertaining Mother Crone.  But she is there like a shadowy ghost beckoning me, to follow her to take the leap for what follows next in my life.

Is there an in between for me that can fill the gap of non-motherhood. Can I redefine Mother Crone into a Wisdom Goddess that truly reflects who I am and who I have been?

white haired goddess2

 

So I have to wonder have I resigned myself that certain dreams will never be or am I accepting that life has many stages and the time has come to move on?

[1] http://www.medicinenet.com/menopause/article.htm accessed on June 28 2014

 

17 Responses to “Acceptance or Resignation……..”

  1. pinkagendist Says:

    Well, Mike would tell you that life can change in an instant. When we met he was 51 and living at the top of a mountain (in the middle of nowhere) in this house: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YLJAxTteKdo
    He basically read, took care of the garden and the dogs and rarely saw people. Driving down on a dirt road was a hassle, so he tried to leave the house as little as possible. He was a bit overweight and his diet consisted of mainly (terrible) ready-made frozen food. As he explains, he thought that was going to be it, forever.
    He never thought he’d fall for someone at that point- much less someone like me, of my age, who as he puts it: “goes through life like a hurricane” 🙂
    By 53 he was living in a completely different house. He joined my then party regimen which meant going out Thursday, Friday and Saturday night. He became interested in art for the first time ever. He even started working with me. We went to the polo, we hosted lunches and dinners- every aspect of his life changed.
    In my opinion he even seems younger now than when we met all those years ago. He takes care of himself, he dresses nicely (as nicely as I can make him dress, anyway). He eats well and he has fun. The fun part is what I think really makes a difference. I insist that it be a daily affair. 6pm, let’s put some music on and have drinks outside. Let’s pick some flowers, let’s plant a tree, let’s paint the bedroom. Why don’t we go to the fishmonger for fresh calamares?
    None of us has any idea of how long we’re going to be around, and I’m going to make damn well sure I’ve gotten the most out of my time!
    Now put your volume all the way up and listen to this:

    • Sex, Spirit, Soul Mates and Chocolate....Ivonne's Journey Says:

      Thank you for the song. It put a smile on my face. I would love to meet someone but I live almost like how you described Mike when you met him,like a recluse. Fun makes a difference. And losing my two best friends, the ones I would actually go out and do things with has not been easy. Pink I look forward to meeting you someday. You really are inspiring. 🙂

    • Sex, Spirit, Soul Mates and Chocolate....Ivonne's Journey Says:

      Just saw the video of the house–stunning. I would not leave it either. I could so live there. So white and modern with beautiful views of the mountain and sea—wow.

      • pinkagendist Says:

        Well, he traded life there for life here with me 🙂

        • Sex, Spirit, Soul Mates and Chocolate....Ivonne's Journey Says:

          lol–No I meant if I lived there I would not go out either–you said Mike was a recluse. I would just stay home–Im pretty much a hermit as it is but if I had the house I would be even more so. Hey I am willing to go anywhere for the right man–my only condition is –there must be a beach and I take my dogs with me.

  2. ramblingsfromamum Says:

    I too was called by mother Crone, some years back now, I didn’t really think as deeply as what you are, I just went with it, it is what it is which is now my motto in life with all I’m going through. I have sparkly bits, but I go a hairdresser, not because of my age is showing, but merely that I want to look a certain way and am happy to do what I can to achieve that. Many dreams in life go unfulfilled, my daughter who wants nothing but to have a stable and well adjusted life, now lives with borderline personality disorder..which hopefully she will be cured of one day. You are in a rut by the sound of it, longing for things in your life, knowing some may not take place and that’s hard to adjust to. Do not let it consume you though, you may not be the beach, but you have space and you have your fur babies who are loving it. Take care hun x

    • Sex, Spirit, Soul Mates and Chocolate....Ivonne's Journey Says:

      Rut with a capital “R: yes indeed. Mostly focused on work and getting that up to speed. I do plan on going back to school in the fall and taking a couple of classes–my idea of fun-lol.

      love you

      ivonne

      • ramblingsfromamum Says:

        Sounds like ‘fun’ to me… smiles. Excellent idea though, keeping yourself occupied will help you get through.
        Love you too x

  3. Paula Says:

    Ivonne, how about a new way of looking at your vision board? It’s not like you were in the clearest and most open state 5 years ago, and maybe that vision board deserves a new perspective.

    When we met in person a few months ago, my first reaction was, “Wow. Here is a woman with an over abundance of energy, and she has no idea how blessed she is.”

    You radiate life, Ivonne. You share your knowledge, your experiences, and your fears. That’s what mothers do. You ARE a mother with more family than you realize. It may not be that traditional vision of family, but who ever said you were conventional?

    Come on!! You’re a clown that tells stories and invites people to magic castles!!! I felt like a kid that day and surrendered myself to your whim. That’s what good mothers do…they make their children feel safe as they guide them to discover something new and adventurous.

    Your vision board is not a liar. Your vision board is simply as creative as you are, and if you look around and reread what you wrote, you ARE by the ocean with a family. So what if Prince Charming is a toad. Aren’t they all? 🙂

    I love you, Ivonne. ❤ ❤

  4. Sex, Spirit, Soul Mates and Chocolate....Ivonne's Journey Says:

    Aww,Paula you brought tears to my eyes. You are so sweet. My mind still had the energy but my body says no go back to bed or take a nap. Chronic fatigue and the loss of taste is very challenging. Working on getting back in balance.:)

  5. Mayrbear's Lair Says:

    What I discovered in my own journey is that the dreams that matter can become a reality if we also put together a strategy, a plan to help achieve those desires. I have had many dreams and just because they didn’t turn out the way I wanted them to, didn’t meant that I was unable to make adjustments and redefine, or renegotiate that dream with me or someone else. We can look at our failures and let them consume us … or we can look analyze them and devise new paths to get there. Just because you don’t live by the beach now, doesn’t mean that you will never live by the beach. And who is to say you don’t keep this house and eventually buy and then purchase a vacation home or a time share on the beach … as long as you are open to new possibilities and willing to work on new plans and strategies … you can create new and better dreams for the beautiful woman you are today … Keep reaching for the stars … you can still get what you wanted …and now you can apply wisdom to the knowledge you have accumulated … Have faith in your journey and your abilities!

  6. Sex, Spirit, Soul Mates and Chocolate....Ivonne's Journey Says:

    Thank you Mayr,so appreciate the words of encouragment. And even though I am not at the beach I do have beautiful views of mountains and I love the peach and quiet.

  7. Maryanne Says:

    50 is still young! I truly believe with creative visualization and keeping your eyes open you can achieve all your dreams. Also, too, I’d like to throw adoption out there. Some of my friends have adopted and it’s a wonderful option. Good luck, Ivonne, Sending positive vibes your way 🙂

  8. Sex, Spirit, Soul Mates and Chocolate....Ivonne's Journey Says:

    Thank you Maryanne. Yeah every now and then I think of adoption but I would need to be making a lot more money before I could even think about that. I read a blog about gay teens who get kicked out of their homes and then get adopted out–so I would consider that. We will see what the future holds.

  9. asylumheaven Says:

    menopause is a phenomenon that happens to all women.. but why are you ellaborating in public…. I dont think you are a woman….
    You must be a MAN in disguise of a woman

  10. Sex, Spirit, Soul Mates and Chocolate....Ivonne's Journey Says:

    lmao–really I am not a woman that is hysterical. This is my blog and it’s about my journey hence why I talk about whatever I fell like it. And thank you for stopping by the blog. But yess,I’ll tell you a secret I do have bigger balls than most men ;).

    • asylumheaven Says:

      bigger balls 🙂 Oh great…


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

An Eye on Art

a blog about beautiful things

Piggy Love

How a pig changed our lives.

Psychopathyawareness's Blog

information about psychopaths

After Narcissistic Abuse

There is Light, Life & Love

Vegan Souls

Have Conscience? Go Vegan..

Armory of the Revolution

The most radical Animal Rights blog on Earth! Universal rights, ecosocialism, and political grenades by Roland Vincent.

The Tree Kisser Blog

Fashion. Food. Activism. *No Animals Harmed

There's an Elephant in the Room blog

Thoughts about veganism. Promoting an end to the use and the property status of members of nonhuman species..

Paul and Cemanthe

Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies. The journey.

ESTUDIO DE UN DIARIO

Del griego moderno ημερολόγιο (imerológio) "diario o calendario", a su vez de ημέρα (iméra) "día u horas de sol" y λόγια (lógia), "palabras o estudio". En fin, estudio del diario: de los días, de los años, del tiempo, de la vida; en forma de palabras.

Vegan Astronaut

A collection of vegan recipes, space stuff and my journey through Mars One

kholli

Unsolicited Social Commentary

VegCharlotte

Living Vegan In Charlotte, NC - Easy Vegan Recipes - Vegan Restaurant, Product, and Cookbook Reviews

Chitra's Healthy Kitchen

Recipes for healthy living

herbodypolitic

the politics of the feminine, by marnie olson

Global + Local = Glocal (Me)

Just a Local girl, living in a Global Wor-or-orld. . . .

%d bloggers like this: