Fifty and Fabulous…….

Last week I celebrated my 50 th Birthday by having a Pirate Costume Party.

In my last post I wrote that by my 50th Birthday I wanted to be fabulous.  Fabulous meaning that I would lose the excess weight and buddha belly and that I would be one hot momma !!!!!!

That’s what I did for my 40th Birthday and I looked hot.

Actually I have been a hottie all of my life but I just did not know it at the time.

It has taken getting older and seeing pictures of myself as I looked a long time ago to realize that what I was feeling on the inside did not match what people were seeing on the outside.

So I lived my life and made my choices as the ugly girl, the unwanted girl because that is what I felt like on the inside.  I did not get by on looks, after all I did not realize I had any.  I developed my brains and my personality.

As I have gotten older and matured I realized I was attractive, somewhere in my 30’s and I would get bored if men told me I was beautiful because I felt like the only stopped at the window dressing and did not go beyond what they were seeing to really “see” me.

The funny thing is that I really did not see myself either.

And 50 is such a big fat number.  I have now jumped into another age group category when filling out forms (sacry…so scary…).

I am struggling with the perceptions I had of women who were 50 when I was young as compared to how I feel about myself.

I am still single and would love to be with my soul mate (Jesus, Lord where in hell is he btw?) so I can not fall into the “well I’m 50 now and old”.

I am fighting that, in my mind at least….

Yes, I am 50. 

Yes, I color my hair to hide the gray (so not ready for that yet). 

Although I do look good in really white hair, you know that silver white but what I have is not that, at least not yet.

And yes, I am about 15-20 lbs over weight….but guess what?

Fifty and Fabulous is not about my physical state and what my outsides look like.

Fifty and Fabulous is an internal state of mind.

So my outside still does not match the inside of me but what I do know is that even though I am 50, even though I have gray that I hide, even though I am a little (cough–cough) over-weight I am FABULOUS.

I am still a hottie because being a hottie is more a state of mind than a physical state.

Now, don’t get me wrong I am still plan to on work outside.  The goal is to ultimately have the balance between mind-body-spirt.

So, to all the ladies out there 50+…keep on being fabulous…

And to all the young ladies minus 50 know that you are already fabulous just as you are and please don’t wait until you are 50 to embrace that.

Zombieland….

I want to be Fifty and fabulous on my Birthday this Dec but I feel like a zombie, the walking dead.  I have modified my diet and I have lost 3-4 lbs but I am not yet motivated to work out.

I have discovered Zumba classes and have been to three but my work this past couple of weeks has prevented me from going to class.  I have even thought that I would like to get certified as a Zumba instructor–but who wants to take a class from an unfit lady?

As some of you already know I have stopped taking the little blue pills so I now have to deal with the anxieties of my mind and life organically without the use of drugs.

Lately I just want to stay in bed and not get up.  I think that if I only do that for one day maybe I can get out of my rut, but I have yet to have a day where I can do that and not get behind in my work.

It’s like I am living in this vicious cycle right now.  I had that same age-old argument with my mother in which she tells me I need to get a corporate job.  When this occurs I feel like I am the whack-a-mole game at Chuck-e Cheese and my mother is the whacker.  Today I told her she had to stop this behavior.  That these arguments drive me into a depression in which I can not accomplish anything.  My mother claims that I don’t hear her and if I would only just listen one time she would feel okay.

Of course she has not changed her story for the past 20 years in which she claims I would be happier if I gave up the arts for the security of a corporate job.  I really don’t think she is aware of the economic crisis facing the US and that the idea of her almost 50-year-old daughter competing in the corporate world with a liberal arts degree is really fantasy on her part.

You see she thinks I would be happy if I would just make the choices that she would make for herself.  But we are not the same person.  Where my mother needs financial security and routine in order to feel safe I am the opposite.  Routine stifles me.  I need adventure and change.  She does not like to drive because she is afraid of where she will wind up.  I, on the other hand thrive on finding new places and things to see.

peacefulness and serenity are the markers of my happiness.  Quietness and stillness are what I crave in my home, which is the opposite of my childhood which was replete with noise and at times violence.

But the bottom line is that I feel like a zombie and being whacked over the head with that invisible hammer that my mother uses on me does not help.

I want to write inspiring posts that move and motivate others to somehow help to make their lives better.

I don’t just want to write about what is going wrong in my life.

I know my mother is concerned about my future but I really wish she would just stop and accept my life as it is.

I am one of 99% in this country without health insurance so I am trying to deal with my health issues organically through diet and vitamins.  I am not quite 50 but my body has been acting as if I am older.  I am amazed that I am even writing this post but it has been on my mind for a while to post an update on my journey towards self discovery and fulfillment.

I don’t buy into you are getting older and everything starts to fall apart but at this moment that feels like a battle that my mind is losing and my body is winning…..I need to dig deep into my soul and call upon my higher self to pull me out of this one………