My world has come crashing down on me in the last few days.
I have had two performers quit on me as of two weeks ago and that represents about $800.00-$1000.00 of monthly income now out the door……
On Sunday when the owner of my building came over to replace the garbage disposal he informed me that he was uncomfortable with my new puppies. The problem being he has been barked out when walking past my door upon coming home from work. I guess he thought I would say something like I would get rid of the puppies but instead I told him that I would need a couple of months to find a new place to live. I made a commitment to them and was not about to betray them because he is acting like an, ( I can’t say because I still live here and don’t know who might be reading this–use your imagination).
I am the one who feels betrayed here as I specifically moved into this place five years ago because I thought it was a dog friendly environment. As a matter of fact over the past five years this person had been encouraging me to get another dog, had also stated, “I love to see a few dogs running around here.” Well, when I decided to rescue the puppies it was with all that in mind. And now, that I have dogs this guy is telling me he has a problem–what the fuck!!!!
A little backstory- he lives on the premises–this is a four unit building which he owns. I have a two bedroom apt in the front, his is a 3 bedroom apt with two floors 3rd apt down from me. He had a female roommate that brought in her boyfriend along with a dog and a visiting friend to stay for about a month. It seems that her dog was a bit aggressive to his father’s dog (which he kind of inherited as his dad said to him, either take the dog or it goes to the pound). It’s a ten-year old dog about the size of my puppies. Missy is not partial to him so we try to keep our distance as much as possible.
This dog is home all day long by itself and is never taken on walks. He gets to poop in the little tiny back yard.
I, on the other hand walk Missy and the puppies minimum 3X a day. I take Missy to the dog beach, and I take all three doggies on Fridays when I have to get costumes to my performers. Puppies don’t listen well enough yet to be taken to a beach or a park. I work 90% of the time from my home so my dogs and cats are mostly supervised. And he is not comfortable around a little barking?!!!!
You know I really wanted to go off on this person but I literally had to bite my tongue to stay in control.
I reminded him that for the past five years he had encouraged me to get a dog and now that I did he tells me this. Well, he didn’t imagine I would get puppies. I informed him I have two cats no way could I get an older dog and besides that an older dog also would not work with Missy. Puppies can be acclimated with other pets.
So, I now have a month to train my pups not to bark or I need to move out. I could just cry. I wanted to cry yesterday but I didn’t I was still in shock. It is episodes like this that trigger my depression and suicidal thoughts–the idea of being homeless with five pets is quite the trigger–always has been for me. I think I didn’t cry to keep me from going there. I felt it, I felt the pull of the imaginary trigger, even saw my final note that I would leave written on the wall. My final message to all the assholes in my life and those who have sent me close to the edge of that dark abyss….
The truth of the matter is that I have been wanting to move out for a while. I applied for a house in January but got turned down. It would have been perfect for me and my business–so that was a bit depressing. Then I saw the notice about the girls and thought well maybe that was why I didn’t get the house so that I could rescue the littles (that what I am calling them now–the littles).
It’s not just the house,or the performers, or the puppies. It is also the situation I have with my mother and work. My mother helps me with my costumes and some of them are at her place–but we have a very toxic relationships. On the one hand she helps me but on the other hand it is as if there is this invisible hammer that I get clobbered over the head with every time I am there. There is a litany of things that I hear such as, “you’re fat, I hate this job, the biggest mistake was you moving to Long Beach, why do you waste your time going to school?”–there is more but I am sure you get the point. It’s all words that invalidate who I am and the choices I have made. So ever Friday evening when I leave I feel a bit broken. How can I face the challenges that my life presents with the people in my immediate circle beating me up emotionally?
This weekend my mother goes out of town for three weeks, which means I am at her place 2-3 times a week to do what she normally does for me. And I have 4 weeks to train my new puppies? And I still have five weeks of school left.
Yes, I just want to cry right now. I will choose to be homeless living out of my car before I abandon any of my babies. I can’t even tell this to my mother because every time I have a problem or challenge rather than being supportive or nurturing she takes it upon herself to tell me everything she thinks I am doing wrong with my life–no, no emotional support there at all. My mother did not get that gene, at least not for me she didn’t. Besides the emotional abuse for the past two weeks she and her husband have had fights in front of my performers–how humiliating is that?!!
My plan was something like this, finish the semester, hire some new performers, get a new place for my costumes and then look for a new place to live.
But my world has just crashed in on me like a house of cards. I feel betrayed. Betrayed by the owner of the building who for five years lead me to believe he was a different type of person.
And what have I lived with here? Well the disposal that he came to fix has been broken for over two months. He fixed something with the sink and when he left I noticed the disposal leaking–not wanting to deal with him yet again I put a bucket under the sink. It has not been the first time I just deal with something myself because the response is so slow in coming that I just take care of things as best as I can at times. Nothing that ever gets fixed is ever done 100%–mostly half way. The building got painted this ugly beige/gray color but the fence was left this gray-blue.
I have no central heating or airconditioning. Who knew? I thought all buildings had central heat and air–guess what they don’t. There was an old furnace type of floor heater but the guy took it out because he was afraid the building might catch on fire.
I moved in and there were roaches–the place never got fogged or fumigated in between tenants. The carpeting in the bedrooms I shampooed four times in a row to get the smell of dog urine out of it as the previous owners had a puppy. Carpets should have been replaced before I moved in but they weren’t. Hence why I am not too concerned what my puppies do or do not do as they were already damaged. A huge rock was thrown through the front window–well the broken window got replaces but not the screen where the rock came through so I have a screen with a huge hole in it. I now have bars on the window which does make me feel safer.
How did a rock get thrown through my front window? Well the guess is that is was the same kids who broke into one of the cars out in the parking in the back that saw the police and a report being filed. We are guessing they were giving us a “warning”. Warning my ass they got reported to the police, who came out, took a report and took the rock to check for prints.
There is more but I am too tired at the moment to go into the other things didn’t get done or got done part way.
Before the nice young girl moved into the apt next door to me there was a couple with two very aggressive dogs. Mind you Missy was just a 2 year old puppy when we moved in and every time we walked by they would try to jump to the screen to get at us. They were so aggressive that they would even come up to my screen door to growl at Missy. The dogs were put into cages–you could see them in the living room. And they were never taken on walks–they were allowed to pee and poop in the back and the owners never picked up after them. I could not open my bedroom or kitchen windows because the stench was so bad. I never complained because I knew they were going to move out in a couple of months. The people were nice but just irresponsible when it came to their dogs. But I am not them. Maybe this guy is having flashbacks to them because I know it cost quite a bit to fix the place after they moved out. But I am not them. I am quite responsible with my pets and my job.
Yes, I hate doing housework–but I don’t leave poop or pee just lying around me–I can’t stand the smell. I have been vacuuming and shampooing my bedroom carpet for the last two weeks since I got the puppies. I have been mopping with vinegar and orange oil to get any smells out.
I am so frustrated right now. I know I have to get a trainer was going to do that anyways. Like I said I have been wanting to move and had applied for a house but got turned down. I have a bankruptcy on my record that could be why and it scares me because I am afraid that I won’t be able to find a new place to live, that and the fact that financially I am not in a place to move, security deposits and movers all cost money. It would wipe me out at the moment. And my mother is not an option. My family would just tell me to get rid of the dogs–they don’t understand my love of animals or why I am Vegan or the words loyalty and commitment.
I am debating on whether I should write him a letter stating that I have been thinking about moving since January and for him not to worry that he would be stuck with us but that I would appreciate at least getting through the summer if not sooner. Any advice?
So my friends, I am asking for your prayers and positive thoughts. I need to get past the depression, the suicidal thoughts, the shock so I can move forward with finding a permanent solution to my dilemma at the moment.
thank you,
Ivonne
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